Coffee Talk with Grandma

My grandma in 1974 at my parents' wedding.

I've written about my grandmother before, she was a major influence in my life. I'm thankful for that. She helped make me the person I've become.  Today she would have been 98.

My grandmother baked. She cooked but the thing she really enjoyed was baking. I still wear on my body and am currently trying to shed, the numerous homemade butterscotch pies, apple cakes, chocolate cakes and cookies she made before I got home from school. She lived with us from the time I was six years old until she fell ill in the 90's. She was always there when I got off the bus and walked in the door crying about the words some mean-spirited child taunted me with that day. She would take me to the kitchen table and we would talk about it as we dunked cookies in coffee. I never drank the coffee but I so loved how that sweet cookie tasted soaked in that warm, creamy coffee. I always felt better after those talks. Little did I know that it wasn't the cookies that made me feel better. It was her. :)

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to realize that when we associate the comfort we felt as children with foods that were given to us for physical and emotional boo-boos - it wasn't the food that truly comforted, but the company that we kept.

Happy birthday, grandma. I would give just about anything to sit down at the table (my children sit on the same chairs after school that I sat) and go through all my worries. This time we could skip the sweets and head straight for the coffee. Or heck, perhaps we could get in to "the other" aka booze! LOL

Mind the gap

State of mind is a major driver in weight loss. Sure, purely physiologically speaking, weight loss or gain is equal to calories in - calories out - if you come up with a positive number, weight gain is going to happen, a negative number and woohoo you're losing some of yourself. However, drivers for the caloric intake and output are mostly in our minds.

It's not breaking news that many of us will eat (and some will not eat much at all) during major emotional turmoil. We also tend to overindulge during times of great celebration! But what about the gap in between those? Can monotony also make us reach for that bag of chips or a few extra cookies?  I find that when I've lacked giving myself a pep-talk, when I've stopped truly BELIEVING in my own abilities - I struggle. I think that is where I was for the last bazillion weeks (ok, technically 15, but who's counting). I think I've finally made the two ends meet and closed the gap.

This week has been a fantastic. I'm excited to go to the meeting and see my official number on the scale. Even a year into this weight loss, I still commit the big "no-no" and weigh myself during the week. I won't divulge that number now, as I only record my official Weight Watcher meeting weigh in but as of right now, it looks like a GOOD week!

I attribute it to a different state of mind. This week I had several big things going on, which could have resulted in food choice nightmares.  First was a meeting at work. It was a celebration of an accomplishment for a great group of people. Rather than eat the food provided, I packed my lunch, took my lunch bag to the meeting and enjoyed the company, rather than the food.

The second big event this week was my birthday. The day before my birthday co-workers took me out to lunch. Fortunately, the restaurant had grilled fish and plenty of fresh fruit, which is what I ordered. That evening my husband's family celebrated my birthday at their home. His mother made one of my favorites, fried chicken breasts. I kept my portions under control, budgeted 15 points for the double fudge chocolate cake she made for me and kept my day within my daily point values. On my birthday, my loving husband understood I preferred not to have birthday cake again, so we celebrated with a kid friendly junk-ish kind of food dinner (pigs and blankets and mac & cheese, both made as reduced fat recipes) and later that evening I had a deep chocolate vitatop as my birthday sweet.

This week could have gone way differently with food choices. I could be dreading looking at the number on the scale tomorrow. I feel so great that I don't have that dread. I don't have that worry. And, because of the healthy food choices I physically feel great!!

How has your week been? Have you faced any challenges? Have you celebrated any victories?

Fifteen years is a long time, but sometimes, it feels like it was yesterday

It was a Monday.  We received a call from the nursing home and the nurse on the other end told us she wasn't doing well. I immediately went there and found her gasping for breath. She had an oxygen mask which covered most of her face.  It was difficult to imagine what she was like several years prior - still a spry, spunky, independent woman. The last three years had certainly taken their toll. Her body was visibly smaller from the weight loss she experienced.  Her face drooped on the right side, as did her other right extremities. It had been two years and six months since I had heard her speak a word to me. Sure, we communicated, mostly with her head nods and I often just knew what she was wanting or needing; but we hadn't had a verbal conversation for two and a half years.  Strokes aren't forgiving, strokes aren't relenting and strokes do not discriminate.

Soon after I arrived she woke up. She made motions with her left arm making half moon swoop towards the ceiling.

After a series of absurd questions ranging from, "Do you want to go outside?" and "Do you want to go to the hospital?" to "Is the room too cold?"  my mother and I both asked her, "Do you see something there?"

She adamantly shook her head yes.

More random questions continued.


Her frustration grew. She started pointing at a photo frame that had photos of all the family. You know the kind, those that have the different shaped cutouts in the mat. In a medium sized oval was a photo of her son who had passed on three years prior. It was that single event that I truly believe was a catalyst to her stroke.

"Mothers should never have to bury their children," she told me on the day of my uncle's funeral. "I was supposed to go first. Not any of them!"

Eight months later, she was in the hospital paralyzed on her right side and unable to speak after a blood clot blocked a major vessel in her brain.

She continued to point at the frame, frustrated, tired and afraid. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like to be in your right mind, have 100% of the cylinders firing for conscious thought but have no ability to speak words and communicate verbally.

We finally asked the question, "Do you see him?"

She nodded her head and burst into tears with what little energy she had left.

"He's here, now?"

Again, she confirmed that he was, indeed, there. Her son. Her oldest son.  She then did a wide, swooping motion with her arm. A HUGE half-moon towards the ceiling.

"Are they all here?"

Softly, with tears in her eyes, she nodded. Her family had come for her.  She wept. My mother and I wept.

I think many would have dismissed these events as psychological breakdown during the dying process. I think many would say that due to the congestive heart failure her brain was slowly dying due to deprivation of oxygen which caused hallucinations and delusions. Perhaps, for them, that is the best explanation for events of these types. For me, I had seen it far too often.

After my grandmother had the stroke and after she had gone in the nursing home, I decided I wanted to be a nurse. Immediately after high school I enrolled at a branch of WVU as a pre-nursing major. A friend of my mother spoke to her about me training as a hospice aid. I jumped at the chance and soon I was working with cancer patients, aids patients - individuals that were terminally ill with less than three months to live. Honestly, it was the most rewarding job I have ever had.  Needless to say, I saw a lot of deaths as an 18 year old college freshman.  It wasn't uncommon for these events from "the other side" to happen during the active dying process.

I truly believe it was my destiny to do that work. It was training for the event that was about to take place. Without that training, without the greater understanding of death, which I had been given by witnessing the dying dance time and time again, I'm not sure I would have been able to handle the grief that was about to be handed to me.

I knew what my grandmother was seeing was real.  I stroked her head, softly cried, and told her to go with them. They were there to take her home.

More events took place throughout the night as I sat by her bed, listening to the soft mechanical hum of the oxygen machine and humidifier. Some were signs sent to me from above to comfort me. Some were signs sent to comfort her and lead her home. I am forever thankful I received and saw those signs the night of May 6, 1996.

The next morning, upon arriving home for a quick shower, the phone rang. My grandmother had passed away fifteen minutes after I left her bedside. It was clear that it was too difficult for her to let go with me there, pulling her to stay on this earth with just my presence; while they all gathered around her, encouraging and comforting her to go with them.

On May 7, 1996 I lost my grandmother. She was like a second mother to me. I miss her each and every day. Tomorrow, May 7, 2011,on the fifteenth anniversary of my grandmother's death, I will walk to accept my A.A. degree marking the halfway point to my R.N. degree.

I know she will be there with me.

Week 48 - Weigh In

Ok, this is crap! I gained .2 pounds, mmhmm, POINT TWO POUNDS. I'm fed up with this yo-yo action and have to kick it into high gear. This is crazy! Honestly, my week wasn't bad.

I'm fairly certain I know what is going on, it's a combination of a few things.  I am pretty sure I'm retaining some water this week. But mainly, my activity has decreased. I know lack of time shouldn't be an excuse, but honestly, since this term of school started in January, my time has been extremely limited. Work all day five days per week, school four nights per week, my days outside the house don't end until 10pm and then I have to hit the books until after midnight. It's been extremely challenging to find a spot to get a workout in. I attempted to set myself up with a goal of using a personal trainer, doing weights several times a week, etc. and because I wasn't able to do it just as I planned (five days per week), I've let the all or nothing attitude get to me.  I need to remind myself that even 10 minutes of doing something is SOMETHING. One day doing it is more than zero. . .so this week I am not setting the huge goals of "I'm going to put seven hours in on the treadmill over the week!" No, all I am going to say is I will get some activity, I will vow to do SOMETHING. 

This upcoming week is slightly more complicated (understatement of the year) because my husband has his second knee replacement this Wednesday. Fortunately, since we did this recently (first one was done on February 2nd) I know what to expect and I can plan accordingly.

I went to the store and purchased plenty of fresh fruit and healthy snacks to take with me to the hospital. I refuse to seek out a vending machine at 3am for a KitKat just because I can.

So, it's onward and upward (well downward, oh whatever). Thus rut is one I desperately need to get out of and I think some form of activity is the answer.

There is light at the end of the tunnel for my schedule. I graduate on May 7th and will be out of school until January when I will hopefully (I have to apply and be accepted) start nursing school!

Quick Stats:
This week's weigh in +0.2lbs
Total Lost - 53.6lbs

Fat girls aren't the only one's fighting back

Last night I was watching the TLC show Hoarders: Buried Alive and one of the stories they were telling was of an individual who had built a wall of clothing. The wall building wasn't purposeful (or perhaps it was) but it was certainly symbolic of her struggle. She put up walls. She attempted to fill painful places with a hoard of clothing, so much so that she built her own prison within her home. She couldn't use certain rooms. She couldn't enjoy life. She was stuck in her self-induced prison of clothing walls and clutter which now filled every free space available.

Sound familiar?

It certainly does for me. As much as she buries herself in clothing and material items - as a food addict I'm prone to bury myself in food. We pack it away, don't we? Just as she has packed in the maximum amount of things in her home - I've packed in Reese's cups, Kit Kats, Wendy's, McDonald's, Chips and Fries.  Oh yes, the hoarder and I are not much different.

I respect the struggle of her journey to de-clutter - she is fighting back! While she works on de-hoarding her home, I'm de-hoarding my body! It's difficult to change these behaviors, isn't it? Like the hoarder, my disorder started very early on in life and it has been my comfort, it has been "what I do."  For years, I justified it in my head. So tricky, we are - to justify these behaviors to ourselves and others. Often, we believe our own excuses and for a moment, we think others believe them too.

The hoarder's hoard is shocking and visible when people visit her home. However, she can keep hers tucked away privately. I wear my hoard with me, everywhere I go.

It is such an empowering and wonderful feeling to be gaining control of this self-destructive behavior. I know it will be a struggle for the rest of my life but I also know there will be fantastic days filled with life experiences I couldn't have if I wasn't actively "de-hoarding."

The point is, I honestly believe most people have something they do that is their "vice." Some, more than others. We all battle our own demons, don't we? Some may be material items, food, sex, drugs, alcohol, anger - you name it, human beings can fill voids with nearly ANYTHING.  We try to cover our weaknesses in different ways but we all have them.  We really aren't that different.

And they had vacuum cleaner hoses coming out of their noses. . .

For those that follow me on my Facebook page and Twitter, you know I had a bit of a surprise last night when my 10 year old son informed me that he had a pencil eraser cap (from a mechanical pencil) stuck high up in his left nostril. He said he did it when trying to be funny waking up his sister that morning. I'm not sure why it took him 12 hours to inform us that this little bobble was stuck in his booger-maker, but he did. So, off he and I went to pick up my mom and head to the ER. Yes, I am a 33-year-old mom of three but my age and maternal experience doesn't matter - any ER trip usually requires a trip to pick up my mom.

Katz Extractor

Off we went to the ER at one of the local children's hospitals. A parade of sick children and worried parents walked through those doors. I was thankful our visit was due to something so insignificant (and kind of funny). It's not all that unusual for kids to put things up their noses and in their ears, so I wasn't too concerned. The worst part for him was having the Katz Extractor put up his nose. It was extremely uncomfortable and painful but he dealt with it like a trooper. He did nickname it the "torture device" and said he certainly learned his lesson to not put things up his nose. Unfortunately, the Katz didn't pull anything out, so off to x-ray we went only to also be told, the pencil top was not anywhere between his sinuses and his rectum and it must have fallen out of his nose earlier in the day without him noticing.

The good news is, he is no worse for the wear.

Due to the excitement, I didn't get to do my Day 6 - Week of Accountability. I think the trackers may have been getting a little boring to look at, anyway. So, I'll just write about my day.

I did well on plan and even went out to lunch with my co-workers. We visited a small local restaurant called Urban Hibachi.

Edamame

We enjoyed some fresh steamed edamame. I'm not sure what it is about the little pods but I think I could be addicted! Anytime I order it out, I really enjoy it and I'm not sure why I haven't tried to cook it at home. And with a cup only being 2 ppvs, I think it's a snack I'm going to try to incorporate! I really like food that makes you work for it. I know, sucking the beans out of the pods isn't really work, but it does consume a bit of time to get three beans vs. shoveling them in your mouth with a fork. I may try to create a "work for it" menu this week and see what happens.

Shrimp Hibachi

I was proud of myself for ordering water with my meal rather than Diet Coke. I even special ordered my Shrimp Hibachi without butter and oil and I only ate half of the brown rice. It was so delicious.

I was mostly satisfied the rest of the afternoon. I did enjoy some crackers with laughing cow and of course, my orange.

California Sunkist navel oranges are in the stores, and even though I live in Florida, I'm partial to California oranges. Consequently, my servings of fruit lately have been a couple oranges per day. They are just so sweet and juicy - it's such a nice treat! I know, I know, why am I raving about oranges? Well, before I started Weight Watchers I absolutely hated eating oranges. It was something I NEVER did. I didn't like peeling the orange. I didn't like the texture of an orange. The entire experience of eating one was just daunting and I hated it. Since then, like with a lot of other foods (*whispers* brown rice, whole wheat pasta, carrots) my tastes have changed. I enjoy these foods and my orange is like a special, sinless treat that I look forward to in the mornings with breakfast and in the afternoon for snacks. Unfortunately, the Sunkist navels aren't around all year, so I try to really cash in when they are.

Friday nights are typically a "family fun" kind of night. We usually order out for two reasons - it's the end of the week so my pantry is somewhat depleted and it's just a special Friday night kind of thing to do where I get a break from cooking. It's a one per week and sometimes every other week occurrence and I usually try to keep myself within some form of boundaries while still having something I don't normally have during the week. Last night it was Chinese take out. Yes, I seemed to have an Asian themed kind of eating day. LOL

While I still used a mess of points on the meal (points I had from dailies and dipping into weeklies - so it was completely "on plan") I still made better choices than I would have made in my "previous life." My favorite thing on the menu is the garlic honey chicken. Unfortunately, this is essentially batter dipped, fried, smothered in honey and garlic - chicken nuggets. I did NOT order it. Rather, I ordered a shrimp fried rice (shrimp because it was the lower point option), a veggie egg roll and I had a couple of my daughter's favorite crab Rangoons. Again, not the greatest of meals health-wise, but within my points and extremely enjoyable. It's WORTH IT to do these things a few times per month with my family. Some weeks my selections are far healthier, some weeks they are worse - and that's ok. It's moderation and I'm thankful to have the opportunity to pass that little life lesson on to my kids.

One slip up I did have is on the way home from the hospital with my son's nose ordeal I did run through a Burger King drive-thru for a Diet Coke. However, I don't anticipate having another for a while and I had gone seven days without one. That is a HUGE improvement over the six or seven I used to drink on a daily basis.

I'm excited for tomorrow's weigh in. Today we are doing some light eating, will have a light dinner and perhaps a popcorn snack this evening with movies.


I love weekends!

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Do you change up your weekend eating a bit from your daily, during the week eating? Are there any foods you eat now that you never would have eaten or even liked before you started on this journey to be healthy?

The Fat Label Society

For years I've held in my memory labels and words that have been assigned to me by society. Some date back to the playground at five years old. Others are from even more recent years. Some may have come from tabloids I saw while waiting for my grocery order to be rung up, others in movies or in simple casual conversations.

Ugly, gross, huge, whale, fatso, disgusting, hideous, grotesque, stupid, loser, awful, blubber, fat ass, jolly, lazy, dumb

You get the idea. You can find these and many more on school playgrounds, in work places, in the monologues by late night tv hosts, magazines, comments to news articles on online publications, social media sites - they are EVERYWHERE! 

I've lived with these labels stamped on my body. I've allowed them to clutter my mind and drive the need to compulsively eat. I've allowed them to control me.

But with all the damage these labels did they still are not enough motivation for me to lose weight. Not a single one of those words holds enough power to keep me on plan. Even the sum of the lot doesn't provide enough motivation to lose 230lbs. Why? Because there is only one word strong enough to provide the motivation needed to lose this weight, one word . . .

ME

Loose skin, poop, pee and tinfoil hats - life's lessons while I lose weight

I've learned a few things the last 10 months on this weight loss journey. Some are a bit crude, some are a bit funny, and some may even be informative.

1. After popping three children out of your uterus, drinking 100oz of water in one day may cause emergency pee situations! If even the slightest urge to pee is present before leaving the office - FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY GO PEE! Shoot, even if the urge isn't there, just go!

2. Loose skin is exciting!!! It shows that your body is changing. Fat be gone - *poof* - loose skin! It's all good baby!

3. No matter how you dice it or slice it, eating a Big Mac will never, ever again feel "good" after knowing how terribly unhealthy it is. The feeling you get afterward just isn't worth it.

4. You will feel really great when you fuel your body with good foods. On days when I make poor choices, I physically feel sluggish. It's like putting bad gas in a car and it putters as it drives down the road. I don't like putter days.

5. Everybody poops and sometimes (and this is where you can stop singing that to the REM song "Everybody Hurts"), being a Weight Watcher, you have to forget about the no-pooping-in-public hang-up and just go! That high fiber cereal for breakfast and a plateful of broccoli at lunch will NOT wait until you get home from work. Stop suffering and fretting and just do it.

6. Speaking of feces. A "gain" CAN be from a bowel movement that came just an hour too late on a Sunday morning. It really can. And that's all I'll say about that.

7. You don't have to be deprived, hungry, starved or unhappy when changing from an unhealthy lifestyle to a healthy one.

8. Diet Coke is way over-rated - a Diet Coke addict can go for five days (and counting) and not really miss it.

9. Don't set your goals or expectations too high, they can quickly flip from goals to motivation zappers in the blink of an eye.

10. There will be people that want to sabotage you. *dons tinfoil hat* They are out there! Don't give in, stay strong - they will eventually stop.

11. Sometimes the absolute best support comes in text messages at 7:55am on a Sunday morning saying, "Where are you?"

12. People care and are genuinely happy for you when you make this change. Learn to accept a compliment already!

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Do you have any funnies you've learned while losing weight? Perhaps some serious lessons? Feel free to add to this list!

Struggling - Time for Another Week of Accountability

I'm struggling. Last week I wrote about how this week was going to be better. I was going to be back on track and I was pulling the car out of reverse. Unfortunately, I can't really say I succeeded. This has been a really rough week. I've been sick and spent nearly three days in bed. That's not an excuse and there is far more to my floundering than just illness.

I've been uninspired. I've been lacking motivation. I've been stressed and allowed it to consume me.

I also broke my own rule. Last weekend I went to a wholesale type store and purchased several things I don't normally purchase, but not only did I purchase them, I purchased them in bulk. Things like pop-tarts and sugary cereal. I honestly bought them for my children and my husband because for some reason I felt guilt that they hadn't had those "treats" in a while. I'm not sure how I guilt-ed myself into thinking I was doing them an injustice by not feeding them crap, but nonetheless, I did.  Naturally, I found myself tempted and I caved, regularly. Perhaps it works for other people to have these items in the house for others' to have - but it doesn't work for me!  I do not have the willpower to avoid the pantry with brown sugar and cinnamon pop-tarts. I thought I had come far enough that I could. I thought I would be able to pass them up and grab my fresh fruit rather than pop that little pastry of goodness in the toaster. But, I'm not there yet and not sure I ever will be. This was an eye-opener. As healed as we think we may be, as strong as we've become, what happens in the privacy of our own kitchens in the wee hours of the night aren't so private when those sins we commit show on our bodies as added fat.

The problem is, when I allow myself to get down like this I feel worse from NOT doing what I need to be doing, which only compounds the feelings of negativity. I know this, but it's so easy to come here, write about how this is it, I'm moving forward and then fall down two steps into the week, flounder on the floor for a few days and then by the end of the week be back up on my feet and ready to go again - only it's too late.  But too late for what really? The scale to give some number that I base my success upon?

No, my success will not be determined by the number on the scale. Certainly it's important, my goal is to lose weight which is measured by a number.

However, when I'm struggling like this I must measure my success in different ways, otherwise it's far too easy to throw in the towel and give up. I REFUSE TO GIVE UP THIS TIME! I've come too far to blow it now.  My success will be going to my meeting tomorrow. My success is planning, again, for what should be a good week. My success will be tracking more than I did this week. My success is coming here writing for the third week in a row of poor choices which have lead me down a path of negativity.

This is honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever attempted in my life. Weight loss always has been. This time it's so much more involved because my goal isn't just to lose weight or be thin - my goal is to change myself FOR LIFE! It's a large undertaking and I have to do it one day at a time.

Several months ago I was struggling and I decided to do a week of accountability. I am vowing to do that again, starting tomorrow. Each day I am going to post my food tracker with everything I consume. At last week's meeting it was brought up to share your tracker with a buddy but I didn't participate in that portion of the challenge. So, I'm a week late but this week you all are my buddies!

Tomorrow I will weigh in and take whatever number the scale spits out. Perhaps, by a miracle, it will show some form of loss, although I wouldn't bet on it. But this is not the end, it's just the beginning, all over again.

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To those that follow me regularly, thank you for sticking with me. There are weeks when I feel like I'm disappointing you with not having a great loss to share. In reality, I'm disappointing myself. However, I'm determined to get back to my losing streak and your words of encouragement during these tough times have meant a lot.

Who else has been struggling for the last few weeks? Would you like to join me on a week of accountability? If so, just reply to the daily posts with your food intake. Perhaps you journal it, perhaps you base it on calorie counts or exchanges - however you track, just respond and together we will have a transparent week. We can do this!

I refuse to live my life in reverse

Have you ever had to drive a car in reverse for anything more than backing out of a parking space? 

Years ago I was on an ice and snow covered hill. My car was a rear wheel drive and just as I reached the top of the hill, my momentum had slowed to the point that it just couldn't make it over the hump. I ended up having to throw the car in reverse and back up all the way down the hill. It was difficult to keep it under control in reverse on ice. The car wanted to weave. It was difficult to see the bottom of the hill clearly. After a few attempts with the same result, I had to leave the car at the bottom of the hill and walk it. The climb was difficult but it was far less frightening than driving in reverse down the hill and I eventually made it home.

The last two weeks (give or take a few days) I've been stuck in reverse. I haven't tracked my food. I haven't worked out as planned. I've made poor choice after poor choice. Really, this is how I used to live my life, everyday.

I REFUSE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN REVERSE!!

So, here I go again, same words, different moment - I'm getting back on plan. I'm not sure what caused me to fall down this time. Spring break was last week and I had more time in the evenings. The week prior I had made a goal to visit the gym everyday since I would have more time - but somehow I just consumed the time with other things and never made it to the gym. The free time also allowed for more lax eating habits. It was like I was on vacation BUT I WASN'T ON VACATION!

I have no real excuse or reason as to why, other than, I consciously decided to make poor choices. There is no candy coating it. I did it, I own it and part of that ownership is saying, "STOP IT!"

What is done, is done. Tomorrow morning, it's back to my meetings, back to the scale. I'm facing the music -  facing the gain that will surely show - and moving on!

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If you are on this same journey, know these types of blunders will happen. The important part is snapping out of it before it's too late!  If you have already reached your goal, please share some of the times you fell off the wagon. I know it happens to us all as we strive to make these changes in our lives but it surely helps to hear how others fell down and got right back up again!

I'm losing more than just weight

Several days ago I was driving in my car thinking about my weight loss, my personality, actions that pushed me to gain as much weight as I gained and of course, actions that pushed me to finally make a change in my life. I do this a lot while driving, as it is a time where I'm alone, trapped, unable to do anything else but drive, think and perhaps listen to music.

I determined on this drive that I am a creature of excess. I don't mean I'm greedy and it's not exclusive to gluttony. No, it's excess. I can't do anything moderately. From the time I was a little girl I was a spirited, opinionated, tenacious and passionate to the point of it nearly being obsessive, individual. I was a perfectionist. My emotions are just as excessive (not to be confused with a disorder like bipolar, I'm not a manic/depressive). When something makes me happy, I'm really happy, when I'm sad, I'm REALLY sad. If something pisses me off, watch out because my anger competes with that of a grizzly bear.

When I was in fourth grade my great uncle passed away. I come from a very close knit family. My family had moved nearly 1000 miles away from "home" but upon the news of his death we had to travel back. The morning we were to be leaving for the flight, I insisted on going to school. My mother wanted me to stay home but I felt I couldn't miss a day of school. Before she could stop me I was out the door and on the bus.  Two hours later she had to pick me up on the way to the airport.

My pre-teen years were no different. Anything I did it was an all or nothing deal. At 13 I was obsessed with New Kids on the Block, as many other pre-teen girls were! My fan-dom did not stop at a few mix tapes or a couple of posters, no, my room was covered, wall to wall (not a spec of white space to spare) with posters. This included the ceiling. I recorded every television spot, even if it was just a commercial for a television show. I went to every concert there was in the area. I purchased every piece of crap I could find that was about NKOTB - shirts, hats, buttons, pins, pillow cases, sleeping bags, necklaces, key chains, trading cards - you name it, I had it. My actions were over the top.

By high school, it was politics and social issues. I wanted to save the world, in between getting stoned. But, when I got stoned, I got REALLY, REALLY stoned. I had to smoke enough to be numb.  I remember (from what memories there are of the events) times when my lips were numb and my limbs tingled. I remember getting so blitzed that I nearly passed out (and sometimes did). Perhaps I was self medicating the pain I felt from all the torment of being an obese teenager. Perhaps I just wanted to get high. I don't know. I really think it was more about me not doing anything in moderation. I had that feel good feeling and I wanted it to the MAX. 

In my early twenties, it was the Internet and chats. I became addicted to technology. I would spend the day hours working and then immediately come home and get on the computer. There I would stay until I would get ready for work the next morning. Often I would go for days without sleeping. Weekends I would stay awake from Friday morning until finally crashing sometime into the wee hours of Sunday night/Monday morning only to wake up and do the entire week of no sleeping again.

Two years ago I decided to go back to school. My first year back in school I took 38 credit hours while working a full time job, having a baby under a year old at home. . .EXCESSIVE! I'm happy to say I did get a 4.0 during all of those terms, but could I not have been a bit more moderate in my selections? While it was beneficial to get such a large chunk of my education done during that year, I nearly broke my back and took on a major risk of failure by doing so.

This change in my life is about so much more than just dropping some weight. It is a transformation of mind, body and soul.

I'm learning to be less excessive and more accepting.

Would you consider yourself a person of excess? When reading this could you relate to any of these "non-food" binges?

Doughnuts, cookies and cakes oh my!

I'm home sick again today. However, I've been laying around more today than I did yesterday, meaning, I didn't get my walk in. I really don't think I will today. I'm just not feeling up to it and I think I should just listen to my body. Yesterday's walk wasn't over-tasking but I have more chest congestion today so felt it wise to just rest.

While laying here I've had some time to catch up on some of my friends in between catnaps. I have a friend that is also battling food addiction. He has done an amazing job, losing a great deal of weight, working out regularly, hitting the pavement and RUNNING for his life. Recently he RAN a 5k. I admire him, I am inspired by him, he IS a winner!

Recently, he has struggled more and more with binging. He has made progress and is becoming more and more transparent with his binges. He tracks them, which is one of the hardest things to do after wards, second only to TELLING someone about it. He's not just telling someone, he shares his binge with the group. This level of honesty, this amount of truth, with not only others but yourself, lends itself to true recovery of this addiction. Let me tell you, it is one of the hardest things to tell friends, relatives, ANYONE for that matter, that you just downed an entire box of doughnut holes (one of my binges from months ago).

What really drives a binge? What is it that clicks in the brain that makes us believe we want a full dozen donuts or an entire bag of chips topped off with a can chocolate fudge icing? This isn't driven by hunger - there is something much deeper pushing the compulsive eater to go on a bender.

I think it may be a combination of things for me. If I get extremely busy (I'm always busy with my family, my husband's illness, work, school, weight watchers, working out, etc.) but there are times where the load is more than normal. At those times, I feel the urge to run through McDonald's and order one of everything! (Ok, that was slightly exaggerated, but not by much!)  Additionally, when I'm unorganized, my house is a mess, perhaps my kitchen has dishes stacked in the sink, maybe my office looks like it was hit by a Category 5 hurricane - during those times of chaos my food mentality is also chaotic. Naturally, as you would expect, bad news and excessive stress also trigger binges, although I seem to be working through those a little better lately.

I would like to say I've learned to keep the perfect house, remain organized at all times, never have last night's dinner dishes in my sink the next morning, always put away everything after I finish studying and file all the important papers immediately - but alas, no, I've not yet reached June Cleaver status when it comes to housekeeping and organization. I'm trying to allow myself to let go of some of these self imposed expectations. My house will never be perfect, especially when I only spend about 8 hours per day here, with exception of the weekends when I'm buried in books. These unrealistic expectations are the same as wanting the "perfect" week on plan and when it isn't a perfect week, throwing in the towel completely. NOTHING IS PERFECT!

What I am working on is maintaining organization when it comes to my food. I track every day, if I ate it, I track it and prefer if everything is tracked BEFORE I eat it - then it's just a plan, a to do list per se, of the foods I need to consume for the day. I have forced myself into a habit that if it isn't in the tracker, it CANNOT cross my lips. That helps keep me on track most of the time. But, there are times when the addiction relapse wants to take hold. I honestly don't know how to battle that other than using distractions and even then it sometimes doesn't work.

Each day is another day fighting a battle against addiction. Friend, I hope you read this. I want you to know that you inspire me. I hope to have the success you've had and you will continue to have. I believe over the next few months we both will be celebrating major milestones, crossing off tens of pounds. We can and will do this! I believe in you and I need you to walk this road with me.

I found this link regarding Binge Eating Disorders and found it very informative.

Friends, if you are fighting a compulsive eating disorder, what do you do to avoid binges? How long has it been since you really went on a binge? Please tell me about times when you were tempted to binge, overcame the urge and successfully avoided it. What did you do during those times to be successful?

The road is long and sometimes all that matters is that you're on it

On a journey of 10,000 steps are any of the steps any more important than the others? I'm quite sure the guy on the road celebrates certain milestones, but is that single step any higher in value to the entire journey than say the 10 steps that it took to get there? No. Not really. The journey would not have been complete without all of the steps combined.

I keep this thought in mind today. My weight stayed the exact same. I didn't lose. I didn't gain. I just stayed the same. This is where struggle lies in weight loss. Sure, it's fantastic and even "easy" at times when the weight drops off in pounds by the week. Where the endurance comes in, where the willpower comes in, is when you do all the right things and the numbers just don't show it.

It's OK. At least it wasn't a gain. As cliche as using the word "journey" is, it honestly is a journey and there will be times where the unexplainable happens. I can't explain why I didn't see a loss. I measured all of my "right" foods. I exercised. I tracked. I drank my water. I got more sleep. And yes, even after all that, some weeks you just won't see it.

This is where commitment is key. As it would be so easy, after working so hard this week, to throw in the towel for a few days, do whatever it is the "old me" would want to do - which would probably involve large numbers of calories, no exercise and self pity. However, that was the old me. I refuse to succumb to those negative thoughts. I'm going with the mindset that I DID do everything right this week and as a result, the fruits of those efforts WILL show on the scale. Perhaps next week. :)

I don't really have any new goals. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. I know it's healthy, I know it's right. It just takes time which is going to pass no matter what I'm doing, so I might as well do all the right things and eventually I will make it to that next milestone.

Time to let it out and move on

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

I really wish this statement applied to me. I find that when the going gets tough, my initial response is to curl up in a ball in the corner and close myself off from everyone and everything. It's almost like I turn into that little turtle and when I get frightened I suck myself into my shell until the threat is gone. If I were Hindu, I would think that my soul was once that of a turtle. My name would have been Herby. It is time I shed that shell and bid Herby farewell, as this coping mechanism no longer works for me - not that it ever has.

I saw a poll the other day asking people how honest they are on social media (blogs, Facebook, etc.) and it made me think about myself.  For the first time, I'm going to air my stresses and attempt to leave them here. I'm not one to really "vent" on my blog, as I typically like to keep this upbeat and inspiring. However, I've hit a bump in the road, I need to do something different, change it up a bit so I can keep moving forward.  I also need to share this struggle. This life's journey is real and the reality is life is not always inspiring, positive and perfect.  If I don't share some of my day to day, how can anyone else truly relate to this and how can this story really be complete?  It simply can't.

Lately, I've really been struggling. I'm not even sure struggle is the correct word. Perhaps I'm dangling. I honestly can't tell you where I am with my weight as I missed my weigh in again on Sunday.  History has taught me that this is where I have always failed in the past. This is where I fall off the wagon and it takes off like a rocket, leaving me behind.

Over two years ago, my husband lost his job. While it has been a mixed blessing because his disease has progressed to the point that he really can't work a full-time, 40 hour work week now, it has caused much financial hardship in our family. I think most people have been hit by the economy and we are no different. We are living paycheck to paycheck which poses a constant threat that a ball will fall out of this juggling act and we will lose our home, a vehicle or some creditor will become impatient enough to cause worse hardship on our already stressed pocket book.  Of course, the holidays only compounded this financial stress.

Additionally, a few months ago we took our two youngest children out of daycare, as the costs were equal to a second mortgage payment. Now they stay home with my husband.  Needless to say, it extremely difficult for him to take care of two children under four. I call several times a day to check-in on them but the constant feeling that an emergency will arise eats at me throughout the day. 

His disease is getting worse. I'm not sure if it's due to the fact that his treatments have been delayed four months, causing the rheumatoid arthritis to come out of remission completely or if we are just at that point in this disease where it gets really bad, but he is really sick.  Yesterday, received lab results. CRP is a protein which is secreted by the liver in response to inflammation. For a normal person the range is 0-10 - his is 202! This is equal to the inflammation of a burn victim. SED rate is also measured, which is basically the rate red blood cells drop to the bottom of a test tube in an hour. The higher the SED, the more inflammation in the body. Again, normal range is low numbers - in the 20's considered being normal for an adult male. His was in the 160's. His RA is out of control.  The light at the end of this tunnel is he is finally, after months of struggle with the insurance company, receiving a new medication that will hopefully help. I'm excited that he is receiving his new medication today but it also comes with it's own set of worry. Initial sickness from the chemicals pumped into his body make the day difficult. (This drug is also given to cancer patients during chemotherapy.) Long term side effects come with their own set of worries. For the most part, we look forward to the potential relief the drug will provide but there is still a nagging "what if" in the back of the mind, hovering over us like a fog, never touching the earth but there just to cloud the sky.

Spring term starts next week. I will be in class four nights a week. Fortunately, my classes start later in the evening so each day I will have 30 minutes between work and school to come home and eat a quick meal with my family, I'm thankful for that change. I graduate with my A.A. degree in May. While that shouldn't seem like a stresser, it is, as my next step is the actual nursing program. The nursing classes are only offered during the day. When starting on this path to be an RN a year and a half ago, I honestly thought our situation would be different, my husband's disease would be better, he would be working full-time again and I would have the ability to be a full-time nursing student. Now being the only income for our family this plan is a little different. I know everything has a means of working out and the answers often come in the eleventh hour. I just wish I knew how this one is going to pan out.

I have a lot going on right now with a lot of balls in the air. I know that I can get through this and I know I can get back on track. I got paid today which means I can go to the grocery store, stock up on my healthy foods which have been absent from my home the last few weeks and get back on track. It's so much easier when the kitchen is stocked with healthy choices.

The last two years I've tried to live my life with a philosophy that worry only makes negative situations worse, as it is completely void of any benefit. Unfortunately, sometimes the emotional state supersedes the logical thought. I'm leaving my worries here today, not for sympathy but to simply share not only the ups of this weight loss journey, but also the downs.

I am going to fight this. I am going to push myself to come out of this shell. I must re-motivate and continue what I started last May. I CAN do this, through any of the stress life throws at me. I am not a quitter and I am not falling off this wagon again.

What to do on a rainy Saturday? How about a 5k?

I completed my second 5k this morning. It was the Jingle Bell Run/Walk for Arthritis. This was the first 5k that I really put my heart and soul into fundraising for - I was able to raise $740 for the cause. As I've written about before, my husband has Rheumatoid Arthritis, so this one was extremely important to me.

Last night, I was struggling with the thought of doing this today. I was exhausted coming off final exams week. I injured my hip a few weeks ago on the treadmill and it still isn't healed. The weather report called for rain. With all of these reasons, I was tempted to excuse myself from doing the walk. BUT! I wasn't doing this just for me. I wasn't walking with my own gain of physical fitness in mind - I was doing this for my husband and several of my close friends that also have Rheumatoid Arthritis. Many of my friends, family and co-workers had faith enough in me to donate to the cause. I could not let any of those people down! I decided I would walk as far as I could and be proud even if I couldn't complete the entire 5k.

I arrived around 7:30 after making a quick stop for a Santa hat at a local CVS. I'm rarely fully prepared for most things and often wait until last minute to wrap up - this was no exception. This is one of those traits I really must work on.

The morning was overcast and fog was still lifting. With my trusty Starbuck's Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte in hand, I made my way to the registration table to get my number - 360. After weaving through a crowd of people and dogs donning Santa hats, reindeer antlers, funky socks and even tutus, I made a quick trip back to my car to lock my goody bag in the trunk. I was ready - my head feeling nearly as foggy as the morning sky.

As the walk started I made some goals. My first goal was just to make it the first mile and then I'd make the decision on if I was going further or not. I walked, waiting for a spot to clear where I could be alone. I really prefer to walk outside of the main crowd, I enjoy the time for reflection, without distraction. I slowed my pace and allowed people to pass me so I could find my spot. Eventually, I got just what I was looking for and was approaching the first mile marker. I made the decision then that I could not let myself, my husband or any of those generous people down. "I WILL complete this 5k."

Shortly thereafter the rain started. First it was just sprinkles, then a steady rain. Temptation hit again but this time it wasn't just the distance that kept me going (I was about 1 1/2 miles into the walk and turning back would only mean I didn't get to walk through the finish line), but my thoughts turned to my husband. Even in the rain, I CAN walk this 5k. He can't. No matter how much rain poured down, how cold I became, how uncomfortable my sloshy shoes were or how much my hip ached - it still didn't come close to the pain and discomfort simply walking causes him. Tears welled up in my eyes and I held back actual sobs.

I went into the walk saying I wasn't walking this today - my husband was - he was just borrowing my legs. Before I knew it I was well past the second mile marker. As I felt the pain with each step, I whispered his name. I looked across the lake and saw the peace and tranquility and could only feel hope that he too will feel comfort soon, perhaps by a development made possible by the Arthritis Foundation.

I pushed on, rain beating down and felt a renewed admiration and love for my husband. He is a good man, fighting a battle that most people could not endure. He lives his life with pain but holds his head high. My heart swelled as I saw the finish line and whispered, "we're almost there, baby."

While I was nearly the last to walk through - I had to throw up my arms
as we crossed the finish line. We did it!

Forget me not

Driving to school tonight I heard a song on the radio and it really made me think, about where I've been, about where I'm going; about the catalyst that launched me into choosing a new lifestyle for myself. These changes are so much more than just a change in lifestyle. We toss around this word "lifestyle" but I really feel the word doesn't provide enough depth. When I think about the word, I hear Robin Leach giving the intro to the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Lifestyle is how we live, what we purchase, what we eat, it's all based upon our actions and what we DO. This change in my life carries with it far more than what I purchase at the grocery store or where I shop for clothing. I'm changing, me.

For years I liked to walk around and say my weight didn't define me. It's not WHO I am. But actually, I was wrong, my weight made me who I am. Without enduring the trials of bodily imprisonment as an overweight person - living with this cross - I never would have developed into who I am today. My convictions for injustice would not be nearly as strong. I would not have the level of empathy which makes my chest feel as though it's exploding when I see or hear of an other's pain. The ability to internalize that strife would simply not be as strong. It was those defining moments in childhood, the tears shed from schoolyard tormentors, that created the woman I am today. Through pain, we grow.

The song had a quote "the hardest part of ending is starting again." (Linkin Park - Wating for the End) I am ending a chapter BOOK and starting the sequel. This change is exciting but I cannot forget how thankful I am for all I've experienced. Most people are not blessed with the opportunity to glean the benefits of carrying a cross, choosing to rid themselves of that cross and walk away with the knowledge, life experience and character from those years of tribulation.

I'm having my own personal Renaissance, right here and now. I've placed so much emphasis on this journey, on what I want to be - on the thin, healthy new me - I have yet to pause and truly be thankful for the road I've already traveled. The road that has brought me here to begin with. I've learned some very important life lessons and it's time to move on. My professor is retiring and I bid "him" farewell - but not without sincere gratitude for all I've been taught.

 For the first time in my life I can say, "I'm thankful for being a fat girl."

Plan C

Weigh in was this morning. Up until last night I was extremely excited about weigh in this week. I worked my tail off at the gym this week. Friday I logged over 15,000 steps on the pedometer. I'm sore. I'm achy. I'm tired. Until last night I had stuck with mostly whole foods all week, lots of fresh fruit, fresh veggies, fish, chicken breast, nice lean proteins. . .

And then came yesterday. Oh lovely December 11th. The Saturday before finals week. The day that I sit at a desk for hours on end cramming knowledge in my head about kidneys, nephrons, capillary beds, arteries, pH balance of the body, electrolyte balance, enzymes - yeah I sat. I did go to the gym prior to the sitting and thinking marathon and walked 2 miles - also did 2 miles on the bike; but the sitting marathon left little time for preparing a meal. Our first plan was to order Sushi from a new local sushi restaurant. Sushi is healthy and it was going to be great! I was excited! Mmmm, spicy tuna rolls, veggie rolls, California rolls - I had enough points to track it, have a nice portion of the Japanese goodness and save a few points for snack later. I called and called our new local place and they simply weren't open. My husband's belly is pretty growly at this point, the children are grumps, it's nearly 6pm - so he mentions Steak n Shake. I scan their menu and determine that this Plan B is not an option. Too many points! So, we chose Chinese take-out, plan C. It was affordable, quick and delivered. I was able to continue studying while our trusty Chinese delivery guy prepared the meal of sabotage.

I planned to only eat 1 cup of fried rice. I had enough points, it was full of veggies - it was an unhealthy, healty-ish treat. Once the food arrived (now nearing 7pm) I was starving! I ended up consuming FAR TOO MUCH in a very short period of time to the point I was uncomfortable. I didn't stick to the plan of only consuming fried rice and moved on to crab rangoons, an egg roll, lo mein and a piece of my husband's orange chicken. I haven't felt that feeling for months! OMG it was horrible. I knew what I had just done, I had pretty much fixed it where the scale was not going to reflect all the hard work I had poured into the week.

In a matter of a few short minutes - I delayed my paycheck. I say delayed because I will see the efforts I made this week. I'm certain the effect was mostly water weight and not an actual gain.

Walking out of my meeting this morning my plan was to really blast myself in this blog. I was peeved that I did this. I was madder than hell that I allowed myself to get that out of control, not only with portion control but food selection the night before a weigh in. The high sodium content is enough to make me hold water like a damp sponge. Unreal!!

But then, I went to Mass. Not to get spiritual or religious here, as I don't typically talk about religion with people I don't know. It's just uncomfortable and I would not want to be perceived as pushing any of my beliefs on to anyone else. The message at Mass, in all honesty, could have come in a form from any place - I just happened to receive it from a very good friend (God) at church.  The message was patience.

I heard it loud and clear. BE PATIENT!!  Not only with seeing the fruits of my labor on the scale, but with EVERYTHING. I'm not naturally a patient person. I struggle with this on a daily basis. However, for the purposes of this blog we will focus on the food/weight loss aspect.

When I eat, I need to be patient with my body. I need to be patient while consuming the food, so my mind can catch the message from my stomach saying it has had enough. I need to be patient while exercising, knowing I'm not ALWAYS going to get that 20 minute mile in or be able to go as fast as the people that are far more fit around me. I will eventually, but not yet. I need to be patient with the fact that it took years to put on the 230 extra pounds and it's going to take a few years to get it off!  I need to be patient with the scale. My losses will show, I mustn't let the idle numbers be discouraging.

Patience is a tough, tough practice but one that is certainly necessary for this type of long term weight loss journey.

So, I wait.

The good news is, I didn't gain. The "bad" news is I didn't lose either. I stayed the same. I know it sounds silly that I got worked up over a week that I didn't gain and normally I don't think I would have - I just worked really hard to make such a foolish decision so close to weigh in. If it had been any other day of the week, it wouldn't have been great, but the scale would have still shown my loss.

Lesson learned. Moving forward. This is going to be a fantastic week and the scale next Sunday is going to show a loss!

Quick stats:
Loss this week - 0lbs
Total loss - 43.4lbs

My First Thanksgiving Success

I've stressed greatly about the Thanksgiving meal. This day has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love the food, I love the traditions my family has always shared, recipes that have been passed down over the years and working side by side with my mother as we prepare the holiday feast. Today, I did not spend Thanksgiving with my family, as we are having our meal on Saturday. We spent our holiday meal with my husband's family.

While I do LOVE Thanksgiving food, I vowed last week that I did NOT want to gain weight. I have done well and I want to continue doing well. I am not going to allow the holiday season to slow this pace.

The first thing I did was track everything I planned to eat. This helped greatly, as when we arrived I already had a mental list of everything I would have.  The second thing I did was put away the large dinner plate and use a salad plate. It was crammed full with the little spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, stuffing and goodies, but it wasn't over the portions I had already planned to have.

I am relieved that the first Thanksgiving meal is over. I fretted over this day. I honestly believe with the additional exercise I had this morning and the extreme portion control I practiced during the meal - I'll still see a loss this week on the scale. I also did not go over my point values, my weekly point values are still intact and am planning a little snack as we speak. 

Saturday's Thanksgiving dinner is lighter fare my mother and I planned together. We will still have mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, turkey - but all will be made with low fat and high fiber ingredients - we edited all those family favorite recipes.

I feel like today was really a success. I faced a lot of temptation and I made it through it.  That gives me so much motivation that I can and WILL do this for life!

Confessions of a Food Addict

Chatting with a friend this evening, I realized something. There is a piece of my past, a piece of this addiction that I have not really addressed. I've tip-toed around it. I've eluded to it even, but I've never completely come out and said it. I think we know by now I'm working towards honesty. That honesty is a very personal, al beit necessary, thing. It's often difficult to put things in words here that I have never shared with anyone but my closest and dearest friends - but it IS therapudic and serves a purpose on this journey of healing.

So, here I go.

I am a binger. I'm not JUST an overeater. Many times in my life I have gone on binges, consuming huge amounts of calories in the matter of a few minutes. I still wear these calories, all over my body, converted to fat. Energy never used, stored for another time. This was often why, when talking with friends, family, my husband, they couldn't believe I hold the pounds, as my meals were always of normal portions. I can't begin to tell you how many times I heard (and said to myself), "You don't eat any more than any other person - your body just holds on to it."

"You have a slow metabolism."

"I bet you have thyroid problems, you should go get that checked."

No, none of the above. I just hid when I binged! A quick stop through a drive-thru on the way to work to pick up a few breakfast sandwiches, large hashbrowns, breakfast burritos or perhaps it was a lunch run out to grab a couple burgers, chicken nuggets, fries - everything to be consumed quickly in the privacy of my vehicle and trash discarded at the nearest gas station to cover up the evidence. Maybe it was a vending machine run, purchasing several dollars worth of candy bars and hiding at my desk as I ate all of them or purchasing a bag of chocolates and not letting even one survive the evening into the next day.

As painful as it is to admit this behavior, it is even more painful to ever think of going back to that! I can't say that I don't have times when I'm tempted to binge - I do! Everyday is a challenge, everyday is a struggle, some far worse than others. But, I no longer have the fear of getting caught. I no longer live with the shame of knowing how much I consumed in one day, only to go home and eat my regular meals to keep up the appearances. I have learned an entirely new level of accountability and honesty in the last six months than I have ever experienced in my entire life.

Even now, to be able to even type out this blog, admit to MYSELF that I binged and then admit to all of you that I did this - it is an accomplishment. I thank you for reading this and supporting me as I fight my way back from an addiction of a lifetime.

And thank you, friend, for making me realize that I am not alone with these skeletons of binges in my closet. I'm sure there are others out there, who have experienced these binges and feel ashamed, alone and afraid to admit that this behavior was once part of their lives. It's ok. I can't even begin to tell you how liberating it feels to admit it, put these words in black and white and MOVE ON!

I'm moving on. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite of a time.

Cha-cha-change!

Today I've realized that I've been on Weight Watchers for over a half of a year. Twenty-two weeks have passed and there have been amazing changes.

One of these changes is something I noticed in the mirror the other day. I felt like jumping up and down when I saw them, and I think I may have done just that. I'd like to introduce you to something kind of new, well not really new but. I haven't seen them for years. They have been well hidden.  MY CLAVICLES! (Pardon the sweaty tank top, I took the picture just as I had finished my walk.)

I'm noticing more changes than just my physical appearance. For one, I find my tastes are changing. For example, I have never liked raw carrots. Never! But, this week I took some baby carrots in my lunch and I actually didn't mind eating them. I appreciated the fresh taste and enjoyed it. I'm also gaining a liking towards grilled or broiled fish. I grew up that fish was eaten one way and one way only - batter dipped and FRIED. However, now I can't imagine eating it grease soaked and feel like I would be missing out on some great flavors deep fried. Now, this isn't to say that when Lent comes that I will avoid all fish fries - I think I'll have to partake at least one week. But, I'm thankful that I have grown to LOVE my healthy foods.

For those that aren't following Weight Watcher's, you may not know but there are big changes coming next Sunday. I'm super excited about this! There has been some talk in our meetings about the changes, and I understand the apprehension for some. Change can be scary. Some of us have had some great success on the Momentum plan (Points Plan on Weight Watcher's). However, I really think this change will only be positive!

Years ago I did Weight Watcher's, back when it wasn't points, but exchanges. I had tremendous success and lost 90lbs. I would say I've had equal success this time around with points. The nice thing is, points are not going away, they have just made changes to how the points are structured. I think it's fabulous and can't wait until next Sunday's meeting!

I'm ready for more changes!  Bring it on!