Saturday, March 26, 2011

Struggling - Time for Another Week of Accountability

I'm struggling. Last week I wrote about how this week was going to be better. I was going to be back on track and I was pulling the car out of reverse. Unfortunately, I can't really say I succeeded. This has been a really rough week. I've been sick and spent nearly three days in bed. That's not an excuse and there is far more to my floundering than just illness.

I've been uninspired. I've been lacking motivation. I've been stressed and allowed it to consume me.

I also broke my own rule. Last weekend I went to a wholesale type store and purchased several things I don't normally purchase, but not only did I purchase them, I purchased them in bulk. Things like pop-tarts and sugary cereal. I honestly bought them for my children and my husband because for some reason I felt guilt that they hadn't had those "treats" in a while. I'm not sure how I guilt-ed myself into thinking I was doing them an injustice by not feeding them crap, but nonetheless, I did.  Naturally, I found myself tempted and I caved, regularly. Perhaps it works for other people to have these items in the house for others' to have - but it doesn't work for me!  I do not have the willpower to avoid the pantry with brown sugar and cinnamon pop-tarts. I thought I had come far enough that I could. I thought I would be able to pass them up and grab my fresh fruit rather than pop that little pastry of goodness in the toaster. But, I'm not there yet and not sure I ever will be. This was an eye-opener. As healed as we think we may be, as strong as we've become, what happens in the privacy of our own kitchens in the wee hours of the night aren't so private when those sins we commit show on our bodies as added fat.

The problem is, when I allow myself to get down like this I feel worse from NOT doing what I need to be doing, which only compounds the feelings of negativity. I know this, but it's so easy to come here, write about how this is it, I'm moving forward and then fall down two steps into the week, flounder on the floor for a few days and then by the end of the week be back up on my feet and ready to go again - only it's too late.  But too late for what really? The scale to give some number that I base my success upon?

No, my success will not be determined by the number on the scale. Certainly it's important, my goal is to lose weight which is measured by a number.

However, when I'm struggling like this I must measure my success in different ways, otherwise it's far too easy to throw in the towel and give up. I REFUSE TO GIVE UP THIS TIME! I've come too far to blow it now.  My success will be going to my meeting tomorrow. My success is planning, again, for what should be a good week. My success will be tracking more than I did this week. My success is coming here writing for the third week in a row of poor choices which have lead me down a path of negativity.

This is honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever attempted in my life. Weight loss always has been. This time it's so much more involved because my goal isn't just to lose weight or be thin - my goal is to change myself FOR LIFE! It's a large undertaking and I have to do it one day at a time.

Several months ago I was struggling and I decided to do a week of accountability. I am vowing to do that again, starting tomorrow. Each day I am going to post my food tracker with everything I consume. At last week's meeting it was brought up to share your tracker with a buddy but I didn't participate in that portion of the challenge. So, I'm a week late but this week you all are my buddies!

Tomorrow I will weigh in and take whatever number the scale spits out. Perhaps, by a miracle, it will show some form of loss, although I wouldn't bet on it. But this is not the end, it's just the beginning, all over again.

To those that follow me regularly, thank you for sticking with me. There are weeks when I feel like I'm disappointing you with not having a great loss to share. In reality, I'm disappointing myself. However, I'm determined to get back to my losing streak and your words of encouragement during these tough times have meant a lot.

Who else has been struggling for the last few weeks? Would you like to join me on a week of accountability? If so, just reply to the daily posts with your food intake. Perhaps you journal it, perhaps you base it on calorie counts or exchanges - however you track, just respond and together we will have a transparent week. We can do this!


  1. Elizabeth I can totally relate... Only unfortunately instead of just a few weeks I've been hitting a wall for over a year now!!! I share your frustration and the only thing we can do now is start over, forgive ourselves and use our past experiences as feedback :D I will be joining you for your week of accountability and hopefully we can get out of this rut we've fallen into! Have a great Saturday & Enjoy your meeting tomorrow :)

  2. I am right there with you. I am at the same place and I am going back to that scale tommorrow. I will be thinking of you!