Deprivation and Over Eater's Math

When I stick to plan, I do really well. When I sit down, plan my meals, plan my snacks, have the kitchen stocked with all the right things - I do well. However, I tend to attempt to deprive myself, often, which results in moments of completely falling down.  My goal, through this entire journey, is to learn how to have the bad stuff, sometimes, while maintaining a healthy diet, most of the time, and in turn avoid binges, overeating, feelings of deprivation followed by feelings of entitlement. The ONLY way I can have a healthy relationship with food is to no longer abuse it and eat in moderation.

For many, having off-limits lists works and depriving themselves eventually turns into just lifestyle. "I don't eat that.' However, over the last year (yes, I've been doing Weight Watchers for a full year as of last weekend) I have discovered that doesn't work for me and I know it doesn't work for many that are just like me.

I attempted to cut Diet Coke completely out. I felt like I was missing something. I didn't feel "good" about it. I wanted something and constantly yearned for it. I'm sorry, I just am not into living my life unhappy because I am denying myself a drink that I really enjoy. So, I've made a deal with myself. I will drink Diet Coke. I have a "Diet Coke Time" and it's typically in the afternoons at work. I make sure I drink all the water during the day and then I have a small treat around 3pm each day to look forward to. If we go out to dinner, or running errands - I have a Diet Coke. I've cut way back and my consumption is no where near what it used to be - moderation. It's a great thing!

The same goes for sweets. For several weeks I attempted to cut out my evening chocolate fix, which, by the way, turned from regular ice cream, cake or candy bars before Weight Watchers to Weight Watcher's Smart One desserts and Vitatops which completely satisfy my craving and were on plan. But, I got it in my head that I needed to cut back on those things - that it was "time" to cut them out.  Well, consequently I felt deprived. I wanted my sweets. I wanted them so badly that I started the old tactics of sneaking them.  I started stopping at the vending machine at work and grabbing a candy bar or cookie.  At school in the evenings, with no one around, I would grab one of their homemade chocolate chip cookies.  I'm not sure who I thought I was hiding it from, perhaps myself and my tracker. If I ate them and only I knew, I could easily selectively forget - right?

Hence the same 5lbs I've been juggling the last 15 weeks.

What do I attribute all this to? DEPRIVATION!

I made the choice many, many weeks ago to change what was working for me. I wanted to strive for those stellar days of perfect food choices, no sweets, no refined sugar, no processed foods . . .

That simply doesn't work for me. I know this now. When I do that, I talk myself out of being on plan because the very first slip up I feel my day is no longer perfect and therefore, not worth while to continue on plan. It goes like this. . .

"Ok, I'm having an off-plan day (rather than considering it on plan or considering it an off-plan MOMENT), I might as well have whatever I want  now because tomorrow it's back on plan and I won't have it."  This thought then snowballs into having a full size Kit-Kat bar during they day, only to come home later that evening and have a fast-food milkshake. At least the milkshake was a small.

"I haven't tracked the last two days, this week is pointless, I might as well enjoy it because next week I'm back on plan."  If I know I like sweets and the plan is built to have what I want - make the sweets on-plan, in the budget and don't allow this to happen. Duh, Elizabeth!

"I NEVER eat sweets, so it's ok if I have two servings of that birthday cake. Today's a wash, anyway."  With over eater's math, those two servings of birthday cake can then equal birthday cake, ice cream, a handful of M&M's and several glasses of wine. Why? Because after being "good" for so long - I'm entitled, I deserve it, right?

I could have avoided all of these situations of "blowing" my days if I had just done what Weight Watchers preaches - plan it, have it, track it - it's ALL still on plan!  With the "I'm still on plan" mindset, I know I'm less likely to overeat the special treats because I know I'm within my limits to still lose weight. Nothing is blown, nothing is ruined and progress continues.

It's all a mental game.  My deprivation days end here. I know what worked for the first 50lbs and I can tell you, it wasn't following a strict diet of no treats, no chocolate and no enjoyment.

Doughnuts, cookies and cakes oh my!

I'm home sick again today. However, I've been laying around more today than I did yesterday, meaning, I didn't get my walk in. I really don't think I will today. I'm just not feeling up to it and I think I should just listen to my body. Yesterday's walk wasn't over-tasking but I have more chest congestion today so felt it wise to just rest.

While laying here I've had some time to catch up on some of my friends in between catnaps. I have a friend that is also battling food addiction. He has done an amazing job, losing a great deal of weight, working out regularly, hitting the pavement and RUNNING for his life. Recently he RAN a 5k. I admire him, I am inspired by him, he IS a winner!

Recently, he has struggled more and more with binging. He has made progress and is becoming more and more transparent with his binges. He tracks them, which is one of the hardest things to do after wards, second only to TELLING someone about it. He's not just telling someone, he shares his binge with the group. This level of honesty, this amount of truth, with not only others but yourself, lends itself to true recovery of this addiction. Let me tell you, it is one of the hardest things to tell friends, relatives, ANYONE for that matter, that you just downed an entire box of doughnut holes (one of my binges from months ago).

What really drives a binge? What is it that clicks in the brain that makes us believe we want a full dozen donuts or an entire bag of chips topped off with a can chocolate fudge icing? This isn't driven by hunger - there is something much deeper pushing the compulsive eater to go on a bender.

I think it may be a combination of things for me. If I get extremely busy (I'm always busy with my family, my husband's illness, work, school, weight watchers, working out, etc.) but there are times where the load is more than normal. At those times, I feel the urge to run through McDonald's and order one of everything! (Ok, that was slightly exaggerated, but not by much!)  Additionally, when I'm unorganized, my house is a mess, perhaps my kitchen has dishes stacked in the sink, maybe my office looks like it was hit by a Category 5 hurricane - during those times of chaos my food mentality is also chaotic. Naturally, as you would expect, bad news and excessive stress also trigger binges, although I seem to be working through those a little better lately.

I would like to say I've learned to keep the perfect house, remain organized at all times, never have last night's dinner dishes in my sink the next morning, always put away everything after I finish studying and file all the important papers immediately - but alas, no, I've not yet reached June Cleaver status when it comes to housekeeping and organization. I'm trying to allow myself to let go of some of these self imposed expectations. My house will never be perfect, especially when I only spend about 8 hours per day here, with exception of the weekends when I'm buried in books. These unrealistic expectations are the same as wanting the "perfect" week on plan and when it isn't a perfect week, throwing in the towel completely. NOTHING IS PERFECT!

What I am working on is maintaining organization when it comes to my food. I track every day, if I ate it, I track it and prefer if everything is tracked BEFORE I eat it - then it's just a plan, a to do list per se, of the foods I need to consume for the day. I have forced myself into a habit that if it isn't in the tracker, it CANNOT cross my lips. That helps keep me on track most of the time. But, there are times when the addiction relapse wants to take hold. I honestly don't know how to battle that other than using distractions and even then it sometimes doesn't work.

Each day is another day fighting a battle against addiction. Friend, I hope you read this. I want you to know that you inspire me. I hope to have the success you've had and you will continue to have. I believe over the next few months we both will be celebrating major milestones, crossing off tens of pounds. We can and will do this! I believe in you and I need you to walk this road with me.

I found this link regarding Binge Eating Disorders and found it very informative.

Friends, if you are fighting a compulsive eating disorder, what do you do to avoid binges? How long has it been since you really went on a binge? Please tell me about times when you were tempted to binge, overcame the urge and successfully avoided it. What did you do during those times to be successful?