Monday, December 13, 2010

Forget me not

Driving to school tonight I heard a song on the radio and it really made me think, about where I've been, about where I'm going; about the catalyst that launched me into choosing a new lifestyle for myself. These changes are so much more than just a change in lifestyle. We toss around this word "lifestyle" but I really feel the word doesn't provide enough depth. When I think about the word, I hear Robin Leach giving the intro to the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Lifestyle is how we live, what we purchase, what we eat, it's all based upon our actions and what we DO. This change in my life carries with it far more than what I purchase at the grocery store or where I shop for clothing. I'm changing, me.

For years I liked to walk around and say my weight didn't define me. It's not WHO I am. But actually, I was wrong, my weight made me who I am. Without enduring the trials of bodily imprisonment as an overweight person - living with this cross - I never would have developed into who I am today. My convictions for injustice would not be nearly as strong. I would not have the level of empathy which makes my chest feel as though it's exploding when I see or hear of an other's pain. The ability to internalize that strife would simply not be as strong. It was those defining moments in childhood, the tears shed from schoolyard tormentors, that created the woman I am today. Through pain, we grow.

The song had a quote "the hardest part of ending is starting again." (Linkin Park - Wating for the End) I am ending a chapter BOOK and starting the sequel. This change is exciting but I cannot forget how thankful I am for all I've experienced. Most people are not blessed with the opportunity to glean the benefits of carrying a cross, choosing to rid themselves of that cross and walk away with the knowledge, life experience and character from those years of tribulation.

I'm having my own personal Renaissance, right here and now. I've placed so much emphasis on this journey, on what I want to be - on the thin, healthy new me - I have yet to pause and truly be thankful for the road I've already traveled. The road that has brought me here to begin with. I've learned some very important life lessons and it's time to move on. My professor is retiring and I bid "him" farewell - but not without sincere gratitude for all I've been taught.

 For the first time in my life I can say, "I'm thankful for being a fat girl."

3 comments:

  1. Yes! I LOVE this post. I used to say that being fat wasn't who I was, but looking back I know it was me. It defined me. My choices. My options. I am right here with you, ending one book and starting the second. :)

    Melissa
    Bye, Bye, Fat Girl (http://diaryfatmom.blogspot.com)

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  2. Melissa,
    You are doing fabulous! :)

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  3. Well, being fat may have been WHO you were in the long run to you. But, it was NEVER who you were to me. I did see the cross you had to carry. I had my share of run ins with people who would say things about you and I'd want to punch them in the face for not looking past it to who you were inside.

    I didn't have that cross to carry back then. I'm heavy now, but as a kid it's so hard because kids can just be cruel as I witnessed being so close to you. I know you wouldn't be who you are if you hadn't had to endure what you did. I also know it wasn't easy. I'm so proud of you for taking this journey and not only losing weight, but getting down to the psychology behind what's going to finally keep it off.

    I'm working on that myself and thanks to you I took the plunge to finally get it done. I love you

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