Thursday, July 7, 2011

Out of Control

I'm not even sure how to begin this post. I've typed out several sentences and nearly worn my backspace key out. It's hanging off my keyboard, all the type rubbed off. . .ok, so it's not really but it could be. The fact it isn't - is a testament to HP. . .

I'm going through an emotional situation. Wow, that sounds so cold and is like the understatement of the year. My heart hurts, badly. I think that sounds slightly more fitting. I feel lost. I feel sad. I'm angry. But, I'm hopeful.

Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's difficult for me to write about because I do not want any words of my feelings or anything that I share to hurt her heart anymore than it's already hurting from receiving such a diagnosis. This isn't gloom and doom. We know she will fight and we know she will be well again - we HAVE to believe that. But, that doesn't change the fact that her life is about to flip complete upside down with surgeries, possible radiation, possible chemotherapy . . . it's going to be rough! (to say the very least)

As a food addict, my first response, of course, has been to comfort myself with food. Even after being in a healthy lifestyle for over a year, my first reaction was to run and get a dozen doughnuts. I didn't eat them alone, but I had my fair share.  After her biopsy today, it was fried food and chocolate cake. I know I've now spiraled out of control because I'm now facing a situation that is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.

I have to control what I can, which means, I have to, I absolutely have to, get back on track. I cannot allow this addiction to take full hold of me again, in the time that I am most vulnerable. I will not be of any help to my mother if I gain back 50lbs (and more).

If I could have made it to a meeting today, I would have gone. Fortunately, I do have my Weight Watcher's meeting friends in a group on Facebook and I've posted about my binging. They will hold me accountable for attending my meeting and I will be there.

I need to be on plan more now than ever. I know this. So, with every ounce of energy I have, I will control what I can in this situation - my lifestyle, my disease, my addiction and in turn, I will be there for my mom.

When the world starts caving in around you - hold on to the things that can be the same. THIS can be the same.

By the way, the consumption of doughnuts and chocolate cake did not make my mother's cancer go away nor did it make me feel any better. If anything, it made my stomach hurt (crap food tends to do that now that my body is used to good foods) and I had a nice helping of guilt to boot. No more of that crap. Moving on.

Sometimes these posts are self-talk. Sometimes it helps if I put it out there in words as if I type it - it sticks?


  1. Hey, can you and I have a private chat? I am the one that DID gain the 50 lost back. I just got back from 5 weeks taking care of MY MOTHER. FF, I feel your pain. I was so in control...until I got home, and then everything hit me - My friend's Cancer came back, my father went in the hospital and almost died-all this happened within 2 weeks of each other...Facing all this, you're much braver than I. I've spiraled back in to bad habits and can't find my way out. Don't go there with yourself. The crap food you're stuffing yourself with, won't make your mom's fight any easier, won't save you and it won't save her. I am not suggesting she won't get through this, I am not, I am suggesting if you fall back to old habits you may not survive. This is YOUR test. It's easy to do when life is know what I mean? I'm giving you the pep talk I wish I had had...Got rid of all the fat clothes, someone gifted me the 50 pound thinner clothes, now nothing fits and I've got no clothes. My mom is not better. My dad's problems aren't solved, my friend still has to have chemo, and I'm still a person with food issues. If your self talk doesn't stick, talk to me. We can talk one another off the edge of this cliff - the wind is blowing, it is starting to rain, and if we don't get off the ledge soon, we may have no choice but to go overboard!

  2. Now more than ever you are vulnerable and need to keep reaching out and getting out what you are experiencing so you do not use the pain inside to open the doorway back into the food.Don't let this slip take your down. You have love to give your mom and it does not have to be joined by heartache and backache and bellyache from food.

    I am here for you - others are here for you. I will be praying for your mom's strong recovery!


  3. Elizabeth,
    Sending you a hug through cyber space. I know all of this with your mom has not been what anyone would expect or wish for and we are not naturally equipped to deal with life stresses like this. I will offer what words of wisdom that I can. An addict near and dear to my heart taught me some key phrases that he learned while going through rehab. They helped him and maybe could help you. One day at a time. And if that is more than you can handle how about "breathe in. breathe out. do not use(eat) in between" Sometimes we need to just step back and recognize that we cannot handle all that life hands us at once. But we can take one day at a time. Or we can take a few hours at a time. You have done such amazing things not only with your personal weight loss but have inspired countless people to believe that they can do it too. Do not beat yourself up. You can beat this and get back on track. Just like your mom is going to kick cancer's a_ _! I think it is good when you speak the truth of what is happening in your heart. Get it out. Speak it. Acknowledge it and then move on. Keep fighting Elizabeth! We are cheering you on in Texas!!!

  4. Thank you, both of you.

    In addition to worrying about saying something that will make my mother's pain greater, I fear seeming selfish for talking about how "I" feel. I'm not the one with cancer. I'm not the one facing what she faces. It's not about me. These are the things going through my mind as I think about how I feel and I attempt to bury my feelings because of it. Fortunately, my mom doesn't read my blog often (at least I don't think she does). I'm just so terribly torn up about this. Nights seem to be the worst. It seems to be the time of the most tears and anxiety.

    I was wise enough this evening not to bring anything that would be tempting into the house. It's been 8 hours since my "binge" which I shouldn't even call a binge I suppose - it was more of just a really bad meal choice and the only thing I ate today.

    I will get this under control. I know I have to and I will.

  5. Tracy,
    Thank you so much. Your reminder of one day at a time, one moment at a time is absolutely one that is dearly needed right this second.

  6. I wish you and your mother the best. I know its hard to stay on track when on an emotional rollercoaster, but despite whats happening around you, try to stay mindful of the good things...the things that will keep you grounded and happy in the midst of the turmoil. Most importantly, dont sabotage yourself and all of your hard work. Deal with what you are feeling constructively and be there for your mother in every way possible. My prayers go out to you and your family.

  7. I'm so sorry to hear this - I can't imagine what you're going through. You are a strong woman, and you will pull through this, just like your mom will. We are all here for you. <3

    ~Jenn (EHG)

  8. I'm very sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis, Elizabeth. I wish her a speedy recovery. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to stay out of the ice cream bucket right now, but just remember we're all here to support you!!!

  9. You guys are so, so great. Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement. I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me.

    Blogging is my therapy. Your words pick me up when I am down.