Confessions of a Food Addict

Chatting with a friend this evening, I realized something. There is a piece of my past, a piece of this addiction that I have not really addressed. I've tip-toed around it. I've eluded to it even, but I've never completely come out and said it. I think we know by now I'm working towards honesty. That honesty is a very personal, al beit necessary, thing. It's often difficult to put things in words here that I have never shared with anyone but my closest and dearest friends - but it IS therapudic and serves a purpose on this journey of healing.

So, here I go.

I am a binger. I'm not JUST an overeater. Many times in my life I have gone on binges, consuming huge amounts of calories in the matter of a few minutes. I still wear these calories, all over my body, converted to fat. Energy never used, stored for another time. This was often why, when talking with friends, family, my husband, they couldn't believe I hold the pounds, as my meals were always of normal portions. I can't begin to tell you how many times I heard (and said to myself), "You don't eat any more than any other person - your body just holds on to it."

"You have a slow metabolism."

"I bet you have thyroid problems, you should go get that checked."

No, none of the above. I just hid when I binged! A quick stop through a drive-thru on the way to work to pick up a few breakfast sandwiches, large hashbrowns, breakfast burritos or perhaps it was a lunch run out to grab a couple burgers, chicken nuggets, fries - everything to be consumed quickly in the privacy of my vehicle and trash discarded at the nearest gas station to cover up the evidence. Maybe it was a vending machine run, purchasing several dollars worth of candy bars and hiding at my desk as I ate all of them or purchasing a bag of chocolates and not letting even one survive the evening into the next day.

As painful as it is to admit this behavior, it is even more painful to ever think of going back to that! I can't say that I don't have times when I'm tempted to binge - I do! Everyday is a challenge, everyday is a struggle, some far worse than others. But, I no longer have the fear of getting caught. I no longer live with the shame of knowing how much I consumed in one day, only to go home and eat my regular meals to keep up the appearances. I have learned an entirely new level of accountability and honesty in the last six months than I have ever experienced in my entire life.

Even now, to be able to even type out this blog, admit to MYSELF that I binged and then admit to all of you that I did this - it is an accomplishment. I thank you for reading this and supporting me as I fight my way back from an addiction of a lifetime.

And thank you, friend, for making me realize that I am not alone with these skeletons of binges in my closet. I'm sure there are others out there, who have experienced these binges and feel ashamed, alone and afraid to admit that this behavior was once part of their lives. It's ok. I can't even begin to tell you how liberating it feels to admit it, put these words in black and white and MOVE ON!

I'm moving on. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite of a time.