Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

For years I've struggled with my weight. It's been a torment. It's been painful. It's been limiting. I look back at the last 33 years (well, really 30, I don't remember anything before the age of 3) and much of it has been filled with pain from obesity.

My first memories of school are of name calling. Shopping as an overweight child in the 80's was filled with embarrassment - nothing cute ever fit and often my mother made my clothes. Of course, homemade clothes were never cool, so that was only another source of amusement for my classmates. The first pair of blue jeans I remember having was a pair of boys husky jeans. What six year old girl wants to wear boys husky jeans? None. I can tell you that.

Middle school and high school weren't any better. I was the butt of most jokes. I came home many days in tears. Boys don't like fat girls. Fat girls don't go to dances. Fat girls don't hang with the "in crowd" but fat girls know all too well the feeling of rejection.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not lying on my bed in a fetal position, rocking back and forth completely void of living a functional life. I'm happily married, the mother to three absolutely beautiful children (that thankfully, do not have weight issues) and for the most part my life is pretty "normal" - well, as normal as it can be for us, anyway.

Last week I had reality check. I'm currently enrolled in school (or I should say, was enrolled for summer classes) and was taking a course which required a lab coat. I ordered a large, plus sized lab coat online. I order most clothing online as it's nearly impossible to just walk into a store and purchase clothing to cover this extremely large body. When my lab coat arrived, the day I was scheduled to have it in my lab, it didn't fit. It wouldn't button. Well, correction, the top button would button, but it was pulling and the rest of the buttons wouldn't even come remotely close to the opposing holes. Ultimately, I had to drop my class.

My weight has been, well, weighing on me heavily for a long time. I'm a nursing major. How many morbidly obese nurses do you see running around a hospital? How many are physically able to save a life, give CPR, assist in a code? Hmmm, not many. How many patients take a morbidly obese nurse seriously when she advocates for their good health? Hmmm, not many. If I wish to become a nurse, if I wish to be around for my children, if I wish to take care of my husband who has a disabling disease - I MUST get my weight under control.

So, today, I'm doing it. I did it. I attended a Weight Watchers meeting for the first time in years. I'm so excited about what I'm about to embark on. For years I've struggled. For years I've walked around in this body that is a self induced prison. My weight has stopped me from doing so many things and I'm simply not going to allow it to stop me anymore. I'm stopping it!

Tonight, I weighed in.

I'm like many people with weight issues. I'm extremely sensitive about my weight. I'm not sure why, it's not like everyone that looks at me can't see I'm fat, I mean really, it's not like I can easily hide the extra 200lbs I carry around on my body. But, nonetheless, I'm sensitive about it and always have been.

Part of this journey I'm starting is to stop lying to myself. I have to admit I have a problem and then and only then I can begin to fix it.

I have a problem. There, I said it. I HAVE A PROBLEM!

Ok, back to weigh in. Tonight, I stepped on the scales and weighed in at 376.8 pounds. It pains me to even put that into words. But, the purpose of this blog is to share my experiences, hold myself accountable and have a journal of my daily trials. Without having that number included, my story really isn't told.

My first goal is set at a weight loss of 5%. That means I will hit my first goal when I hit 358 pounds. Each Tuesday, I'll post my weight loss.

Tonight, I feel empowered. I feel as though I can do this and I will do it this time! After my meeting I stopped by the grocery store and purchased a few items to get me started, fresh veggies, fresh fruits, healthy snacks, etc. The key is to stay prepared with healthy foods to eat which in turn, keeps you away from the bad stuff. That is exactly what I plan to do!

Tomorrow morning I am going to get up early, walk my treadmill for 15 minutes and then start my day. On the shopping list tomorrow night? New walking shoes, a pedometer and a heart rate monitor.

Until then my friends. . .stay on program!


  1. Hello, I know this is an old post, but this is where I am. Back in March I started my own program. by the end of may I lost 14.2 lbs for a weight of 199 pounds. Today I weighed in at 215.4 pounds. People around me make excuses for me, saying I'm find the way I am, or it's my thyroids fault. So because my body doesn't function perfectly it's okay for me to be 80 pounds over weight? I'm going to read the rest of your posts now...

  2. Hi Lyn,
    I'm so glad you left a comment. There are many of us struggling with this issue, all with our own personal twist but fighting similar fights. I trust you will find the tools to battle this out and you will win!

  3. Wow, what an emotional story. I hurt when you said you "quit your class". I hope you change your mind and go back.

    I've seen lots of very heavy nurses. Before my weightloss in 2005 I called 911 because my blood pressure was 201/190. They kept me over night in the hospital in the heart ward. The nurse that took care of me had to sit down in a chair because she was so overweight. It made me sad to see someone who wants to help others, but can't help herself.

    I hope you change your mind and get back to what it is you want to do. I'm so glad you stopped by my blog! Good to meet you!

  4. Hi Motivational Girl!
    Thanks so much for the comment. I did just take the summer term off, continued in classes in the fall term and I'm happy to report that in this month I was able to start Microbiology again and this time, that same lab coat FITS! :) I fought back and that is one victory in the long line of many ahead.

    I look forward to reading your blog. :)