Deprivation and Over Eater's Math

When I stick to plan, I do really well. When I sit down, plan my meals, plan my snacks, have the kitchen stocked with all the right things - I do well. However, I tend to attempt to deprive myself, often, which results in moments of completely falling down.  My goal, through this entire journey, is to learn how to have the bad stuff, sometimes, while maintaining a healthy diet, most of the time, and in turn avoid binges, overeating, feelings of deprivation followed by feelings of entitlement. The ONLY way I can have a healthy relationship with food is to no longer abuse it and eat in moderation.

For many, having off-limits lists works and depriving themselves eventually turns into just lifestyle. "I don't eat that.' However, over the last year (yes, I've been doing Weight Watchers for a full year as of last weekend) I have discovered that doesn't work for me and I know it doesn't work for many that are just like me.

I attempted to cut Diet Coke completely out. I felt like I was missing something. I didn't feel "good" about it. I wanted something and constantly yearned for it. I'm sorry, I just am not into living my life unhappy because I am denying myself a drink that I really enjoy. So, I've made a deal with myself. I will drink Diet Coke. I have a "Diet Coke Time" and it's typically in the afternoons at work. I make sure I drink all the water during the day and then I have a small treat around 3pm each day to look forward to. If we go out to dinner, or running errands - I have a Diet Coke. I've cut way back and my consumption is no where near what it used to be - moderation. It's a great thing!

The same goes for sweets. For several weeks I attempted to cut out my evening chocolate fix, which, by the way, turned from regular ice cream, cake or candy bars before Weight Watchers to Weight Watcher's Smart One desserts and Vitatops which completely satisfy my craving and were on plan. But, I got it in my head that I needed to cut back on those things - that it was "time" to cut them out.  Well, consequently I felt deprived. I wanted my sweets. I wanted them so badly that I started the old tactics of sneaking them.  I started stopping at the vending machine at work and grabbing a candy bar or cookie.  At school in the evenings, with no one around, I would grab one of their homemade chocolate chip cookies.  I'm not sure who I thought I was hiding it from, perhaps myself and my tracker. If I ate them and only I knew, I could easily selectively forget - right?

Hence the same 5lbs I've been juggling the last 15 weeks.

What do I attribute all this to? DEPRIVATION!

I made the choice many, many weeks ago to change what was working for me. I wanted to strive for those stellar days of perfect food choices, no sweets, no refined sugar, no processed foods . . .

That simply doesn't work for me. I know this now. When I do that, I talk myself out of being on plan because the very first slip up I feel my day is no longer perfect and therefore, not worth while to continue on plan. It goes like this. . .

"Ok, I'm having an off-plan day (rather than considering it on plan or considering it an off-plan MOMENT), I might as well have whatever I want  now because tomorrow it's back on plan and I won't have it."  This thought then snowballs into having a full size Kit-Kat bar during they day, only to come home later that evening and have a fast-food milkshake. At least the milkshake was a small.

"I haven't tracked the last two days, this week is pointless, I might as well enjoy it because next week I'm back on plan."  If I know I like sweets and the plan is built to have what I want - make the sweets on-plan, in the budget and don't allow this to happen. Duh, Elizabeth!

"I NEVER eat sweets, so it's ok if I have two servings of that birthday cake. Today's a wash, anyway."  With over eater's math, those two servings of birthday cake can then equal birthday cake, ice cream, a handful of M&M's and several glasses of wine. Why? Because after being "good" for so long - I'm entitled, I deserve it, right?

I could have avoided all of these situations of "blowing" my days if I had just done what Weight Watchers preaches - plan it, have it, track it - it's ALL still on plan!  With the "I'm still on plan" mindset, I know I'm less likely to overeat the special treats because I know I'm within my limits to still lose weight. Nothing is blown, nothing is ruined and progress continues.

It's all a mental game.  My deprivation days end here. I know what worked for the first 50lbs and I can tell you, it wasn't following a strict diet of no treats, no chocolate and no enjoyment.

I refuse to live my life in reverse

Have you ever had to drive a car in reverse for anything more than backing out of a parking space? 

Years ago I was on an ice and snow covered hill. My car was a rear wheel drive and just as I reached the top of the hill, my momentum had slowed to the point that it just couldn't make it over the hump. I ended up having to throw the car in reverse and back up all the way down the hill. It was difficult to keep it under control in reverse on ice. The car wanted to weave. It was difficult to see the bottom of the hill clearly. After a few attempts with the same result, I had to leave the car at the bottom of the hill and walk it. The climb was difficult but it was far less frightening than driving in reverse down the hill and I eventually made it home.

The last two weeks (give or take a few days) I've been stuck in reverse. I haven't tracked my food. I haven't worked out as planned. I've made poor choice after poor choice. Really, this is how I used to live my life, everyday.

I REFUSE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN REVERSE!!

So, here I go again, same words, different moment - I'm getting back on plan. I'm not sure what caused me to fall down this time. Spring break was last week and I had more time in the evenings. The week prior I had made a goal to visit the gym everyday since I would have more time - but somehow I just consumed the time with other things and never made it to the gym. The free time also allowed for more lax eating habits. It was like I was on vacation BUT I WASN'T ON VACATION!

I have no real excuse or reason as to why, other than, I consciously decided to make poor choices. There is no candy coating it. I did it, I own it and part of that ownership is saying, "STOP IT!"

What is done, is done. Tomorrow morning, it's back to my meetings, back to the scale. I'm facing the music -  facing the gain that will surely show - and moving on!

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If you are on this same journey, know these types of blunders will happen. The important part is snapping out of it before it's too late!  If you have already reached your goal, please share some of the times you fell off the wagon. I know it happens to us all as we strive to make these changes in our lives but it surely helps to hear how others fell down and got right back up again!

This Train Don't Stop There Anymore - Unless a Canolli is Involved - Then Yeah, Maybe a Short Stop

Today was a rough day! We had a team building event, which was very nice of the company I work for, but it was NOT weight-loss friendly and pushed my willpower to the absolute max. Knowing that I was going in to face the fire today I started with some whole grain oatmeal (not the packets kind), a cup of blueberries and some light/fat free yogurt. It was a good breakfast, I was satisfied and was hoping it would help when temptation hit. I also drank 32oz of water before 11:30. Again, hoping for the magical "I don't care that there is cake in the room" vibes.

Our event started with lunch. I was able to make great choices, avoid the white pasta with Alfredo sauce and stuck with plenty of veggies, some chicken breast and a nice salad with my dressing on the side to just dip my fork in for a little taste. Win! I did it!

Then, the cake was passed around. Uggg! I avoided the situation entirely by just leaving the room while cake was enjoyed. Honestly, it was easier for me to just walk away than sit there with the constant nagging of "OMG that cake looks good."

What felt like only a few minutes after cake was finished, popcorn and movie candies were rolled out. Snow caps, Goobers, Rasinettes, Milk Duds -  you name it, it was there to be consumed! A movie started and for a while I was able to ignore the smell of fresh popped popcorn filling the room. Eventually though I did decide I would have a half a bag (they were the small, personal sized bags that hold about 2 cups of popcorn). I stuck to my guns and only had a half of bag - a cup. It was so fresh, so crisp, I really enjoyed it. I made sure to grab my phone, log in to my Weight Watchers etools and track the unexpected treat.

So far, sounds ok, right? Unfortunately, about 3pm is when I went down hill. I avoided and avoided the slow train of food that equated to my own personal torture. But, during an afternoon break I broke and had to have a canolli. Fortunately, it was yogurt filled rather than pudding/custard filled; however, it started something I wish hadn't happened. I didn't just consume one canolli, I had THREE!

Oh how I wish I had stuck with my original plan and taken in my bag of fruit and cheese to have as my afternoon snack. If I had done that, while I may still have had the one canolli, I don't think I would have let my guard down enough to cave to three of the delicious little tempt-lets!

To compound this cluster of an eating day, I didn't make it to the gym or get my walk in this evening. My plan for today was to get up early enough to walk my son to school, which is slightly over 2 miles round trip. But, naturally, I woke up too late to do that. So then my plan was to come home after class tonight, put on my workout clothes and go to the gym. Yeah, that didn't happen either. Then I said I'd just walk my treadmill, but no matter how much I thought about how much I NEEDED to do it, especially on a three canolli day, I just couldn't muster up the energy to do it. I immediately put on my nightgown.

The fact is I will always be tired while working full-time and going to school full-time; that shouldn't be an excuse to skip my walks. I need to re-commit to either getting up early and doing it, or doing it as soon as I get home from school in the evenings. This is my third week back in class since winter break and I need to get my routine down. Work Monday through Friday 9am-5pm, school Monday through Thursday 6pm-10pm. Mornings really are the option that makes the most sense.

Tomorrow, I'm committing to waking up and walking. I don't have school tomorrow night so I plan to try to double dip and get an additional walk in.

So, that was my day.

How do you handle events where you experience the slow train of torture otherwise known as food? Does anyone have any tips other than biting nails, chugging water and abstaining?