It's not the end of the world

The need for my lifestyle change has just been placed at an even more heightened level. Earlier this week I received the diagnosis of Type II Diabetes. I can't say it came as a shock. It did feel like a bit of a slap in the face for all the work I've put in over the last year and a half only to now be diagnosed with the disease, but that's really not the right way to look at it.

Perhaps my changes bought me a little while longer without diabetes? Who's to say that I wouldn't have received this diagnosis last year, if I hadn't made the changes. Who's to say the diabetes wouldn't be more out of control than it is, if I hadn't made the changes I've made. My A1C was a 6.1. Normal is 5.7. I've heard of others who have had A1C's in the 7's. My fasting blood sugars are in the 120's. They could be far worse. Without the changes I've already made, the transition to a diabetic diet could be that much more challenging.

So, I'm trying to look at the bright side of this very crappy, life-long illness. It forces me to be even more accountable. I mean, really, now not only am I battling a weight issue, I'm battling a disease. One that can be extremely serious if left unchecked. One that can result in blindness, amputations, comas, heart attacks and well, death.

My doctor did explain to me that my diabetes is not completely linked to my weight. While my weight didn't help my risks, diabetes runs in my family. I have had three pregnancies, all of which I was insulin dependent from gestational diabetes. That alone increases my chances of receiving this diagnosis by 50% five years after pregnancy. My first son was born over 10 years ago. So, I did stretch out my life without diabetes for a few years passed what was predicted.

So, now I get really serious. Fortunately, I've had a really great week. The Weight Watcher's plan is easily followed in conjunction with a diabetic diet. I'm on a medication to assist, which holds some promise in also making my weight loss a bit easier; as it will help the insulin resistance that it appears I'm dealing with. All and all, this isn't the end of the world and may just be the kick in the ass I needed to remain vigilant with my new life.

Tomorrow is weigh in and I already know the scale is moving. I just can't wait to see the loss recorded!

Deprivation and Over Eater's Math

When I stick to plan, I do really well. When I sit down, plan my meals, plan my snacks, have the kitchen stocked with all the right things - I do well. However, I tend to attempt to deprive myself, often, which results in moments of completely falling down.  My goal, through this entire journey, is to learn how to have the bad stuff, sometimes, while maintaining a healthy diet, most of the time, and in turn avoid binges, overeating, feelings of deprivation followed by feelings of entitlement. The ONLY way I can have a healthy relationship with food is to no longer abuse it and eat in moderation.

For many, having off-limits lists works and depriving themselves eventually turns into just lifestyle. "I don't eat that.' However, over the last year (yes, I've been doing Weight Watchers for a full year as of last weekend) I have discovered that doesn't work for me and I know it doesn't work for many that are just like me.

I attempted to cut Diet Coke completely out. I felt like I was missing something. I didn't feel "good" about it. I wanted something and constantly yearned for it. I'm sorry, I just am not into living my life unhappy because I am denying myself a drink that I really enjoy. So, I've made a deal with myself. I will drink Diet Coke. I have a "Diet Coke Time" and it's typically in the afternoons at work. I make sure I drink all the water during the day and then I have a small treat around 3pm each day to look forward to. If we go out to dinner, or running errands - I have a Diet Coke. I've cut way back and my consumption is no where near what it used to be - moderation. It's a great thing!

The same goes for sweets. For several weeks I attempted to cut out my evening chocolate fix, which, by the way, turned from regular ice cream, cake or candy bars before Weight Watchers to Weight Watcher's Smart One desserts and Vitatops which completely satisfy my craving and were on plan. But, I got it in my head that I needed to cut back on those things - that it was "time" to cut them out.  Well, consequently I felt deprived. I wanted my sweets. I wanted them so badly that I started the old tactics of sneaking them.  I started stopping at the vending machine at work and grabbing a candy bar or cookie.  At school in the evenings, with no one around, I would grab one of their homemade chocolate chip cookies.  I'm not sure who I thought I was hiding it from, perhaps myself and my tracker. If I ate them and only I knew, I could easily selectively forget - right?

Hence the same 5lbs I've been juggling the last 15 weeks.

What do I attribute all this to? DEPRIVATION!

I made the choice many, many weeks ago to change what was working for me. I wanted to strive for those stellar days of perfect food choices, no sweets, no refined sugar, no processed foods . . .

That simply doesn't work for me. I know this now. When I do that, I talk myself out of being on plan because the very first slip up I feel my day is no longer perfect and therefore, not worth while to continue on plan. It goes like this. . .

"Ok, I'm having an off-plan day (rather than considering it on plan or considering it an off-plan MOMENT), I might as well have whatever I want  now because tomorrow it's back on plan and I won't have it."  This thought then snowballs into having a full size Kit-Kat bar during they day, only to come home later that evening and have a fast-food milkshake. At least the milkshake was a small.

"I haven't tracked the last two days, this week is pointless, I might as well enjoy it because next week I'm back on plan."  If I know I like sweets and the plan is built to have what I want - make the sweets on-plan, in the budget and don't allow this to happen. Duh, Elizabeth!

"I NEVER eat sweets, so it's ok if I have two servings of that birthday cake. Today's a wash, anyway."  With over eater's math, those two servings of birthday cake can then equal birthday cake, ice cream, a handful of M&M's and several glasses of wine. Why? Because after being "good" for so long - I'm entitled, I deserve it, right?

I could have avoided all of these situations of "blowing" my days if I had just done what Weight Watchers preaches - plan it, have it, track it - it's ALL still on plan!  With the "I'm still on plan" mindset, I know I'm less likely to overeat the special treats because I know I'm within my limits to still lose weight. Nothing is blown, nothing is ruined and progress continues.

It's all a mental game.  My deprivation days end here. I know what worked for the first 50lbs and I can tell you, it wasn't following a strict diet of no treats, no chocolate and no enjoyment.

The Crap List

I really can't believe the amount of crap I used to put in my body. There are things I used to eat that I wouldn't dream of eating now. It used to be hot dogs and boxed macaroni and cheese were on the weekly menu. I can remember many nights per week that the husband and I would sit on the sofa chowing down on frozen pizza rolls while watching the tube. Midnight runs to Taco Bell were not uncommon. I've given all that up and I can't imagine turning back. But, there are still a few things that I hold on to that are still considered "crap" and you know what, I'm ok with that. . .for now.

I'm making a crap list. This list contains the current things I still eat that I consider to be poorer choices, but I'm not yet ready to give them up (and not sure I ever will be).

Coffee-Mate non-dairy creamer
I have no idea why I like this stuff, but I do. I know most coffee drinkers would say it ruins their coffee but I've tried other things and I just don't like the taste of anything else. I've tried regular half and half, I've tried fat-free half and half. I've tried mini-moos. I've tried milk (2% and skim). Nothing compares to that highly flammable, highly processed Coffee-Mate non-dairy creamer. I drink quite a bit of coffee so, coffee-mate stays.

Diet Coke
I know it's full of chemicals and artificial stuff. I know it's not good for me. But, I love it. I'm happy to say I've decreased the quantity I drink but I still require at least one diet coke per day. I don't see this going away anytime soon, but perhaps many moons from now I'll look back at this list and think, "wow, I remember when used to drink diet coke like it was water and I haven't had one for years." Until then, I'll take the one per day as a huge improvement.

Margarine
Yes, indeed, I use margarine. I use Brummel and Brown so it is made with yogurt, but nonetheless it still has hydrogenated vegetable oil (but no trans-fat, which I honestly didn't think was possible, hmm) but this means it's the bad stuff. However, the trade off is butter. I don't do butter. Real butter is so terribly high in saturated fat that I'll take my chances with the dab of margarine that I eat. I have greatly decreased what I use this stuff on. I don't use it on veggies, I enjoy those steamed. Once in a while if we have a baked potato I will use it on that or if I have toast. That about sums up my margarine usage, so I think it can stick around.


Sugar Free Red Bull
I don't drink this often but I do drink it when I need a pick me up on like final exams week or weeks where I'm short on sleep. I know this stuff flows down crap road, but alas, I still splurge on it occasionally.

Flavored Yogurts
mmhmm, I know, it's yogurt, why crap? Well, have you looked at the label? The amount of crap needed to make my yogurt taste like carrot cake, boston creme pie, wild berry crumb cake or any other dessert that natural yogurt does not taste like is a laundry list long. Yes, it is a better choice than say, the carrot cake, the boston creme pie, well, you get the idea. But better choice and non-crap are not exclusive. However, this little piece of crap keeps me from splurging on much larger pieces of crap - so it stays in the daily play.

Splenda
Artificial sweetener=chemicals=crap. Right? Probably so. But, I consider my obesity issue a health reason for which I need to avoid refined white sugar added to things like my coffee, tea or cereal. Certainly, I could adapt and learn to consume these things without the added sweetness, but for now, I choose not. I enjoy sweet coffee. I enjoy sweet in my oatmeal. So, for now it stays on the list, all the while I know it's crap. It's just better crap than say. . .the added calories sugar would pile on to these items.

The point of this is, living healthy is not an all or nothing thing. If the majority of our food choices are healthy and our "crap" lists are used in moderation - it's OK. Certainly if human beings ate in a lab and were only fed the best of natural ingredients day in and day out, in the perfect portions, at the perfect times - well we wouldn't exactly be human would we? Of course, unless the lab was air tight and we lived there 24/7, environmental pollutants would still put chemicals into our bodies. The point being, we LIVE! We live to the best of our abilities, trying to reduce as much crap as we can, within our control.

I'm thankful that my crap list is shorter. Can you think of items that you're not willing to give up so you just work them in your healthy diet?

Doughnuts, cookies and cakes oh my!

I'm home sick again today. However, I've been laying around more today than I did yesterday, meaning, I didn't get my walk in. I really don't think I will today. I'm just not feeling up to it and I think I should just listen to my body. Yesterday's walk wasn't over-tasking but I have more chest congestion today so felt it wise to just rest.

While laying here I've had some time to catch up on some of my friends in between catnaps. I have a friend that is also battling food addiction. He has done an amazing job, losing a great deal of weight, working out regularly, hitting the pavement and RUNNING for his life. Recently he RAN a 5k. I admire him, I am inspired by him, he IS a winner!

Recently, he has struggled more and more with binging. He has made progress and is becoming more and more transparent with his binges. He tracks them, which is one of the hardest things to do after wards, second only to TELLING someone about it. He's not just telling someone, he shares his binge with the group. This level of honesty, this amount of truth, with not only others but yourself, lends itself to true recovery of this addiction. Let me tell you, it is one of the hardest things to tell friends, relatives, ANYONE for that matter, that you just downed an entire box of doughnut holes (one of my binges from months ago).

What really drives a binge? What is it that clicks in the brain that makes us believe we want a full dozen donuts or an entire bag of chips topped off with a can chocolate fudge icing? This isn't driven by hunger - there is something much deeper pushing the compulsive eater to go on a bender.

I think it may be a combination of things for me. If I get extremely busy (I'm always busy with my family, my husband's illness, work, school, weight watchers, working out, etc.) but there are times where the load is more than normal. At those times, I feel the urge to run through McDonald's and order one of everything! (Ok, that was slightly exaggerated, but not by much!)  Additionally, when I'm unorganized, my house is a mess, perhaps my kitchen has dishes stacked in the sink, maybe my office looks like it was hit by a Category 5 hurricane - during those times of chaos my food mentality is also chaotic. Naturally, as you would expect, bad news and excessive stress also trigger binges, although I seem to be working through those a little better lately.

I would like to say I've learned to keep the perfect house, remain organized at all times, never have last night's dinner dishes in my sink the next morning, always put away everything after I finish studying and file all the important papers immediately - but alas, no, I've not yet reached June Cleaver status when it comes to housekeeping and organization. I'm trying to allow myself to let go of some of these self imposed expectations. My house will never be perfect, especially when I only spend about 8 hours per day here, with exception of the weekends when I'm buried in books. These unrealistic expectations are the same as wanting the "perfect" week on plan and when it isn't a perfect week, throwing in the towel completely. NOTHING IS PERFECT!

What I am working on is maintaining organization when it comes to my food. I track every day, if I ate it, I track it and prefer if everything is tracked BEFORE I eat it - then it's just a plan, a to do list per se, of the foods I need to consume for the day. I have forced myself into a habit that if it isn't in the tracker, it CANNOT cross my lips. That helps keep me on track most of the time. But, there are times when the addiction relapse wants to take hold. I honestly don't know how to battle that other than using distractions and even then it sometimes doesn't work.

Each day is another day fighting a battle against addiction. Friend, I hope you read this. I want you to know that you inspire me. I hope to have the success you've had and you will continue to have. I believe over the next few months we both will be celebrating major milestones, crossing off tens of pounds. We can and will do this! I believe in you and I need you to walk this road with me.

I found this link regarding Binge Eating Disorders and found it very informative.

Friends, if you are fighting a compulsive eating disorder, what do you do to avoid binges? How long has it been since you really went on a binge? Please tell me about times when you were tempted to binge, overcame the urge and successfully avoided it. What did you do during those times to be successful?

I hurt myself today

Paul Mason, pictured at nearly 1,000 pounds.

I ran on to an article while surfing around Facebook today and it really made me think about some of the things I've already said on this blog. I don't proclaim to be an expert on this subject and I certainly don't hold a degree in psychology; however, I believe there is much more than just "I want to eat too much" driving the compulsive eater to binge. Treatment for this disorder is more complex than just "eat this" and "do that." I believe Paul Mason is saying the same thing.

Below is a summary of the article with a link to read the full story.

The world's fattest man wants to fight obesity: with a lawsuit.

Paul Mason, who once weighed almost 1,000 pounds, is blaming the NHS (Britain's public health system) for sending him to dietitians who merely told him to lose weight -- but didn't identify his problem as an eating disorder, British newspaper the Sun reported.

The former postal worker told the Sun that when he went to the NHS for help with his eating as early as 1996, he was told to "ride your bike more."

Read more: Paul Mason, once the world's fattest man, suing NHS for not helping him sufficiently with obesity 

I think what I found most shocking, or perhaps not shocking at all based upon my own personal experience as an obese person, was the lack of compassion and understanding about this disorder. In our society (said broadly to incompass most of the western world) food addiction is looked upon as just gluttonous behavior. We seem to have a better understanding about other substance abuse issues like alcoholism and drug abuse but lack knowledge when it comes to food abuse. In turn, which is the point Mr. Mason is trying to make, doctors are not offering viable and helpful solutions to the obesity problem.

His doctor's "ride your bike more" solution is equally as insufficient as Nancy Reagan's "just say no" anti-drug campaign of the 1980's and early 90's. While there is a possibility that his motives rest with monetary gain, I'm hoping the true motive is to do just as he says and that is raise awareness about an issue that is eating at (pun intended) at least 400 million adults as estimated by the World Health Organization. This is not a little issue! Yet, doctors are offering very little support when comparing this addiction to others like it.

Now, mind you, I do not proclaim to believe that every person packing on a few extra pounds in that 400 million statistic has a food addiction nor an eating disorder. Someone who overindulges slightly, gains a few extra pounds but for the most part does not have an unhealthy relationship with food, is more than likely not a food addict. Certainly advice to just get a little more active and try watching what they eat would be acceptable. This is much like asking someone who is not an alcoholic, who may drink more than the recommended 7 or 8 drinks per week to just cut back a little. However, one would not tell a raging alcoholic, who consumes a case of beer per day, to just stop drinking and feel that was adequate enough advice to curb the abusive behavior. This is the equivalent of what Mr. Mason's doctors did with him for years. Offering little to no true solutions for someone who has a disorder of this magnitude.

Our society has advanced greatly with acknowledging the importance of mental health and we've made great strides in the treatment of substance abuse. Absolutely there is an element of personal responsibility; but I think in our time it is a well known fact that most addicts need the support and resources of others to finally get the monkey off their backs.  This is where Mr. Mason's doctors failed.

From the sense of awareness, I applaud Mr. Mason for his efforts to bring this issue to the forefront of his government health care system. Unfortunately, based upon the public opinion, I'm not sure how successful he will be. It is going to take many of us to build a network of support and compassion. Perhaps one day, as an RN, I will be able to bring these issues to light within the system. For now, I'll just keep on writing.


Now, a look into a substance abuser's mind. Listen to the lyrics and grasp the cyclical self-torment. Not to be overly dramatic but eating disorders are a form of self abuse and self hate, which isn't too far away from the actions of the heroin addict.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

For years I've struggled with my weight. It's been a torment. It's been painful. It's been limiting. I look back at the last 33 years (well, really 30, I don't remember anything before the age of 3) and much of it has been filled with pain from obesity.

My first memories of school are of name calling. Shopping as an overweight child in the 80's was filled with embarrassment - nothing cute ever fit and often my mother made my clothes. Of course, homemade clothes were never cool, so that was only another source of amusement for my classmates. The first pair of blue jeans I remember having was a pair of boys husky jeans. What six year old girl wants to wear boys husky jeans? None. I can tell you that.

Middle school and high school weren't any better. I was the butt of most jokes. I came home many days in tears. Boys don't like fat girls. Fat girls don't go to dances. Fat girls don't hang with the "in crowd" but fat girls know all too well the feeling of rejection.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not lying on my bed in a fetal position, rocking back and forth completely void of living a functional life. I'm happily married, the mother to three absolutely beautiful children (that thankfully, do not have weight issues) and for the most part my life is pretty "normal" - well, as normal as it can be for us, anyway.

Last week I had reality check. I'm currently enrolled in school (or I should say, was enrolled for summer classes) and was taking a course which required a lab coat. I ordered a large, plus sized lab coat online. I order most clothing online as it's nearly impossible to just walk into a store and purchase clothing to cover this extremely large body. When my lab coat arrived, the day I was scheduled to have it in my lab, it didn't fit. It wouldn't button. Well, correction, the top button would button, but it was pulling and the rest of the buttons wouldn't even come remotely close to the opposing holes. Ultimately, I had to drop my class.

My weight has been, well, weighing on me heavily for a long time. I'm a nursing major. How many morbidly obese nurses do you see running around a hospital? How many are physically able to save a life, give CPR, assist in a code? Hmmm, not many. How many patients take a morbidly obese nurse seriously when she advocates for their good health? Hmmm, not many. If I wish to become a nurse, if I wish to be around for my children, if I wish to take care of my husband who has a disabling disease - I MUST get my weight under control.

So, today, I'm doing it. I did it. I attended a Weight Watchers meeting for the first time in years. I'm so excited about what I'm about to embark on. For years I've struggled. For years I've walked around in this body that is a self induced prison. My weight has stopped me from doing so many things and I'm simply not going to allow it to stop me anymore. I'm stopping it!

Tonight, I weighed in.

I'm like many people with weight issues. I'm extremely sensitive about my weight. I'm not sure why, it's not like everyone that looks at me can't see I'm fat, I mean really, it's not like I can easily hide the extra 200lbs I carry around on my body. But, nonetheless, I'm sensitive about it and always have been.

Part of this journey I'm starting is to stop lying to myself. I have to admit I have a problem and then and only then I can begin to fix it.

I have a problem. There, I said it. I HAVE A PROBLEM!

Ok, back to weigh in. Tonight, I stepped on the scales and weighed in at 376.8 pounds. It pains me to even put that into words. But, the purpose of this blog is to share my experiences, hold myself accountable and have a journal of my daily trials. Without having that number included, my story really isn't told.

My first goal is set at a weight loss of 5%. That means I will hit my first goal when I hit 358 pounds. Each Tuesday, I'll post my weight loss.

Tonight, I feel empowered. I feel as though I can do this and I will do it this time! After my meeting I stopped by the grocery store and purchased a few items to get me started, fresh veggies, fresh fruits, healthy snacks, etc. The key is to stay prepared with healthy foods to eat which in turn, keeps you away from the bad stuff. That is exactly what I plan to do!

Tomorrow morning I am going to get up early, walk my treadmill for 15 minutes and then start my day. On the shopping list tomorrow night? New walking shoes, a pedometer and a heart rate monitor.

Until then my friends. . .stay on program!