My Return to Weight Watchers

This is it! I was back in my meeting and I'm so glad that I "went home," as my Sunday morning peeps said. It felt good to sit in that seat again.

A little good news - I did see a loss on the scale when comparing my weight from April 12 to now, so I'll take it and see this as the start of something great, again!

This week I am committing to mixing up the hum drum foods. I will be making several new recipes which include:

• Cucumber dill salad with sour cream dressing
• Slow-cooker chili steak and black bean tacos
• Zero point soup
• Scallop and broccoli stir-fry
• Seafood salad with lemon and orzo
• Herbed salad with roasted corn and pita croutons
• Rosemary chicken with balsamic-glazed onions
• Smoky Pork BBQ
• North African meatball stew with couscous

I am going to try to make it a goal to make at least four new recipes per week, to try to avoid getting bored. I may even post a few pictures of these dishes as I make them. Additionally, I am vowing to go for a walk every evening. That is my start. This is a new day, it's a new week and I know I can do this.

I am in planning mode and will be adding everything to my tracker. So here we go, friends! Next week, I know I'll have a loss on the scale to report and I really can't wait to start feeling the fruits of my labor. I want to feel good again!

What are you doing this week to mix it up, keep it fresh and stay on track?

Let's Just Be Friends

Tonight, I had a discussion with my husband about my relationship with food. Truly, that is my issue, right? I have a really bad relationship with food.

I equated my current plan as "breaking up" with someone. You know, the first week you try to ignore their calls. You hold yourself back from texting them. As time goes on, the loss of them in your life fades and they turn into someone you used to know. (Yes, there is a great song out there about that right now, perhaps hitting repeat 20x in an hour has made this thought stick.) But I digress. Thursday, I broke up with carbs. I broke up with sugar. Oh hell, let's face it, I broke up with FOOD. Never mind, the fact that I do need some food to survive.

Let's just say it's extremely restrictive. I know I've heard all along that restrictive plans aren't the best. But, because it was provided to me by a doctor, and I was seeing an improvement in my blood sugar, I thought I had to give this a shot. I also know several people who have been amazingly successful seeing this doctor and following this plan - so that also helped convince me that it might be the right thing for me to do. 

However, I think a "let's just be friends" approach would be better for me? As it was when I had so much success on Weight Watchers. I'm not sure I'm ready to turn my back on tasting food. I'm not sure I can fight the very natural, very primal urges to EAT. Not overeat, not binge, but just eat. Humans need food. We like food. We get pleasure from food. Learning now to balance that pleasure and need is important. Trying to completely cut off the relationship with food, to the point of eating such an extremely low amount of calories and eating one food group - well, it just doesn't work for me.

Honestly, I have been a bit apprehensive about the new plan since the beginning, however, I've been talking myself into staying on track this week - and I have. I have not slipped a single time. However, I feel like I need to move forward with something that is more balanced. I've found myself increasingly weak, tired, dizzy and even confused in the evenings. I think the calorie count is too low for me. I think it's lacking a balance that my body needs.

Additionally, I've found something out about myself. I really, really dislike anything to do with protein shakes. I can't get passed the rotten smell/taste. I also have it in the back of my mind that I don't think it is truly healthy to make an over-processed powder part of a regular diet.

The good news. Damn, it works. Perhaps a little too quickly (based upon how I'm feeling). Since last Thursday I have lost 16 pounds. Yes folks, this is where I put the brakes on. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing that number drop so dramatically, and never in my life have I seen such a drastic change on the scale in such a short period of time, but averaging over a 2lb per day weight loss explains the weakness, dizziness and zombie like feeling I've had in the evenings. Not to mention the headaches.

Tomorrow, I'm making some adjustments. I'm increasing my calories and adding a bit more balance. I appreciate (and somewhat envy) those that could tough this plan out and make it work for them. But, just like I need to learn to listen to my body when it is full and I'm pushing forward to overeat - I feel like I also need to listen to my body with this. I want to feel better, not feel sick. So, I'll celebrate the loss of the week and push forward with the knowledge I have - moderation and balance work best for me.

At least the scale is moving again!

My Own Medical Intervention

I'm not even sure how to start this entry, honestly. I considered not even firing the blog back up again - but I have really missed blogging. So, here I am, again.

The last few months have been rough, as far as weight loss (or gain, I should say). It's been this little nagging voice in the back of my mind saying, "stop it, don't eat that, you shouldn't do that. . ." yet I continued to pick up the fork.

I was at a crossroads. I needed help and I needed to gain control, again. I could either return to Weight Watchers and start tracking my points or I could do something different. The problem I've had, since being diagnosed with diabetes, is I still tend to fill my points with carb heavy foods. My diabetes medication had been increased and even then I was having high blood sugars - I am extremely carb sensitive, it seems (and insulin resistant). Consequently, I would be starving, eat more, have high blood sugars which then triggered high insulin levels, which then triggered the hunger feeling, so I would eat some more. . .the cycle continued. So, I wasn't really sure if Weight Watchers would be the best plan for ME to start using again, right now. I really needed to give up this dependence on carbohydrates. I'm not saying Weight Watchers won't be good for me again, but right now, I'm at a critical point. I needed the help of a medical professional.

So, I started to do some serious searching. I scheduled an appointment at the local hospital to get information about lap band - thinking perhaps I've finally hit the last straw and should consider surgery. But, I really didn't want surgery. The more I read about it, the more I hated the idea. Liquids for the first few weeks. Placing your food in a blender after you are finished with the clear liquid stage. Having the worry of being "stuck" as part of your lifestyle after you did finally get to eat solid food. I also had it in the back of my mind of successful co-workers who had visited a bariatric physician and dropped their weight successfully. I decided I would give that a shot, so I scheduled my appointment and cancelled the surgery consult at the hospital.

My appointment with the doctor was really fantastic. She provided a plan, that while strict, works with my diabetes. I'm in day three of the plan and am feeling fantastic. While my diet is extremely limited (as it should be with diabetes) I am extremely satisfied. The best news, I woke up this morning with a fasting blood sugar of 119 - and that was without taking my second dose of diabetes medication last night. She predicted at my appointment that within a month I should be able to go off the medication. When she said that, I wasn't convinced. However, to see that kind of result in just three days - I think she may just be right!

I am fighting back, again. While I did gain 25lbs before I found help - I am proud that I didn't gain back the entire 55lbs I had lost on Weight Watchers. That, alone, is something to celebrate. Years ago, the cycle would have been to gain it all back and then some - and then finally face the reality of the problem.

This first week is tough, but not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I seem to be out of the sluggishness felt when a drastic reduction of carbohydrates and sugars takes place and my body seems to be adjusting.

I will continue to update as I visit the doctor and I look forward to being on the downward trend again!

This week, my starting weight was 348. I will be going back to the doctor on Thursday and I'm looking forward to seeing a lower number on the scale.

Struggles

I am struggling. I won't hide it. It seems the last few months it has been blow after blow. It isn't that I don't have the will or the want to do the right things. It isn't that I have a lack of knowledge. It truly is a lack of time.

I know, I know, everyone says they are pressed for time. When I was going to school full time in the evenings and working full time I felt pressed for time. However, even that does not compare to life right now. I feel like I just have to write about all that has taken place. Perhaps having it out there will muster up something deep inside to pull out of this dark place I feel I'm in right now.

The beginning of the year started off with a bang. My husband had back to back knee surgeries. That consumed much of my mental and physical energy, but we made it through with flying colors and I was doing pretty well. My graduation soon followed. It took a lot of hard work that final semester and it was a joyful but stressful time.

Soon after we received notice of a personal business matter that forced us to make the very difficult decision to seek out an attorney and file bankruptcy. Certainly, in these economic times we aren't the first or last that were faced with looming financial devistation. But, it didn't make it feel any better. We lost our home and moved forward to a better life in truly a better home. So it wasn't all bad.

At the same time, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. At first, we thought it was early, small, all the words you seek out to find comfort in the grave diagnosis. Then reality hit. Her surgery followed. We have been battling with chemo the last few months. Life has been changed and we look forward to "normal" again. Her last chemo is December 30th and once through January we will be finished with hell weeks!

I was diagnosed with diabetes. I seem to have taken the diagnosis a bit harder than I expected. I hate this disease. I'm pissed off that I have worked so hard to change, yet it was too little, too late. I hate that so far I don't have it under control which means I will need more meds. I HATE DIABETES!

In the last two weeks we have had two more blows. We received news that my sixteen year old stepson is going to be a father. Additionally, he hasn't been to school for months. He is now living in our home, is back in school, seeking employment to take care of his new responsibilities, and that feels right, but it doesn't come without its own set of major stresses.

Last night, after 6pm, I received that dreaded call.

"No one is injured."

It was my husband. On his way home, with our three youngest children in the car, a drunk driver hit them as they were getting off a major expressway. Fortunately, no one was injured, but the same cannot be said about our kid mobile. We suspect the minivan is a total loss. We will be surprised if it isn't.

So looking back at all that is going on, I understand why this has been the year of struggle. I understand why I have little energy to plan my meals, get creative I'm the kitchen, drag myself out of the house to make it to my early Sunday meetings. I understand it. I don't excuse it. But with this understanding, perhaps I can come up with a means to not give up. I flounder. I stumble. Hell, I have fallen down a few times. But, each time I manage to keep getting up and keep trying.

Right now, I'm doing the very best I can do. It isn't perfect. I don't see losses each week. In fact, I've been seeing yo-yoing and juggling mostly. But, I'm doing SOMETHING and that is more than the old me would have done.

So, we keep moving on. Eventually the black clouds will pass and if I just keep trying I will eventually do well again.

Week 80 - Weigh In (Thanksgiving Week)

I'm a little late posting about my weigh in this Sunday. Life's roller coaster just continues to jerk us around turns with major ups and downs. Not that I thought our life could get more complicated, but surprise, surprise . . . it can!

But, enough about that. My weigh in this week was great. I lost 2.4lbs. I'm now only 8lbs away from being where I was when I received my mom's cancer diagnosis. Only 8lbs to go! So, if all goes well, I will have a net loss for the year. I'll be thrilled if I can be less in January 2012 than I was in January 2011. I'll be happy if i can be the same as I was in January 2011. And, I'll settle for being only a couple pounds heavier. The point is, no matter what that first weigh in shows in January of 2012, I'm far better today than I was over a year and a half ago when I changed my life. I am healthier. I weigh less. I am happier. I feel better. For the most part I am capable of making good choices and my food addiction is under control.

Over the next six weeks, I would like to lose at least 3lbs which would make me weighing less than I did at the start of this year. I believe I can do far better than a 3lb loss. Certainly, I would have loved to have seen a loss of over 50lbs (avg of 1lb per week) for this year. However, this year has been an extraordinary one. If I maintained the first 50lbs lost. . .that gives me hope that once I am at my goal weight, I will be capable of maintaining it.

This week I am thankful for so many things. i'm thankful for my family. They are the most amazing people I know. I'm thankful for my children, which are never ending sources of joy in my life. I'm thankful for the scientists who work in medical research. They make it possible for my husband to remain active, after suffering from JRA since he was 12. The drugs are harsh (a chemotherapy drug) but they give him life. I'm thankful for the doctors and nurses that saved my mother's life this year. While she is still battling through chemotherapy due to Stage IV breast cancer, she is alive. I'm thankful for my husband's family, who are an extended family of my own.

There is a special place in my heart though for the individuals that attend my Weight Watcher's meetings and read my blog. The support system in place that we have for each other is second to none. I love these friends. We laugh, we cry, we battle similar problems and we walk together fighting something that has plagued many of us for years. We are doing this, we are winning, and we share our journey, together.

So, for all my Weight Watcher's meeting buddies and readers. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done for me. I could not be doing this without you. I need each and every one of you and I feel privileged to be needed by all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Coffee Talk with Grandma

My grandma in 1974 at my parents' wedding.

I've written about my grandmother before, she was a major influence in my life. I'm thankful for that. She helped make me the person I've become.  Today she would have been 98.

My grandmother baked. She cooked but the thing she really enjoyed was baking. I still wear on my body and am currently trying to shed, the numerous homemade butterscotch pies, apple cakes, chocolate cakes and cookies she made before I got home from school. She lived with us from the time I was six years old until she fell ill in the 90's. She was always there when I got off the bus and walked in the door crying about the words some mean-spirited child taunted me with that day. She would take me to the kitchen table and we would talk about it as we dunked cookies in coffee. I never drank the coffee but I so loved how that sweet cookie tasted soaked in that warm, creamy coffee. I always felt better after those talks. Little did I know that it wasn't the cookies that made me feel better. It was her. :)

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to realize that when we associate the comfort we felt as children with foods that were given to us for physical and emotional boo-boos - it wasn't the food that truly comforted, but the company that we kept.

Happy birthday, grandma. I would give just about anything to sit down at the table (my children sit on the same chairs after school that I sat) and go through all my worries. This time we could skip the sweets and head straight for the coffee. Or heck, perhaps we could get in to "the other" aka booze! LOL

Week 78 - Weigh In

This week I nailed it. I need to do this every single week. I planned. I measured. I weighed. I tracked. I moved. I drank my water. It was a great, great week.

The scale rewarded me for my efforts with a seven pound loss!! Seven pounds! Yes!!!  I haven't seen a 7lb loss since late July and it felt so good to see that kind of movement. I feel motivated again. I know what I need to do and I'm going to keep at it.

Now if I can just start writing about a few more things than updates and come backs. My blog fills in for motivation when my self motivation wavers. I need to use that and keep pushing through.

It's not the end of the world

The need for my lifestyle change has just been placed at an even more heightened level. Earlier this week I received the diagnosis of Type II Diabetes. I can't say it came as a shock. It did feel like a bit of a slap in the face for all the work I've put in over the last year and a half only to now be diagnosed with the disease, but that's really not the right way to look at it.

Perhaps my changes bought me a little while longer without diabetes? Who's to say that I wouldn't have received this diagnosis last year, if I hadn't made the changes. Who's to say the diabetes wouldn't be more out of control than it is, if I hadn't made the changes I've made. My A1C was a 6.1. Normal is 5.7. I've heard of others who have had A1C's in the 7's. My fasting blood sugars are in the 120's. They could be far worse. Without the changes I've already made, the transition to a diabetic diet could be that much more challenging.

So, I'm trying to look at the bright side of this very crappy, life-long illness. It forces me to be even more accountable. I mean, really, now not only am I battling a weight issue, I'm battling a disease. One that can be extremely serious if left unchecked. One that can result in blindness, amputations, comas, heart attacks and well, death.

My doctor did explain to me that my diabetes is not completely linked to my weight. While my weight didn't help my risks, diabetes runs in my family. I have had three pregnancies, all of which I was insulin dependent from gestational diabetes. That alone increases my chances of receiving this diagnosis by 50% five years after pregnancy. My first son was born over 10 years ago. So, I did stretch out my life without diabetes for a few years passed what was predicted.

So, now I get really serious. Fortunately, I've had a really great week. The Weight Watcher's plan is easily followed in conjunction with a diabetic diet. I'm on a medication to assist, which holds some promise in also making my weight loss a bit easier; as it will help the insulin resistance that it appears I'm dealing with. All and all, this isn't the end of the world and may just be the kick in the ass I needed to remain vigilant with my new life.

Tomorrow is weigh in and I already know the scale is moving. I just can't wait to see the loss recorded!

Welcome Home!

Welcome home. That is what today was as I walked back into my meeting room. My last weigh in was on August 14th - 11 weeks have passed since that last meeting and my last weigh in. The scale showed no mercy.

In the course of 11 weeks I gained 20.6lbs. There is no way to candy coat that (pun intended) - that's really how I got to this point anyway right? Candy. Cake. Ice cream. Potato chips and more. All jokes aside, there is no excuse for that kind of gain. Certainly, with all that has been taking place, there is reason, but it doesn't excuse the self-destructive behavior.

Honestly, I knew what I had to face. I wish I had done so sooner, as the number on the scale would have been far better. I know this. But the dread, each week, of seeing the gain prevented me from doing the very thing that was going to stop the gaining cycle. Going home.

But, that is now behind me. I have crossed the line and I've taken the first step. I faced the scale, I survived and now I move forward. I am excited to see what the numbers look like next week. I'm re-committed. I'm doing all the things I know worked for me and I know I can do it. I just have to.


Isn't that what it boils down to? Just doing it? Nike may have been on to something with their "Just Do It" marketing campaign.
Are you struggling? Have you been "off plan" for a little while? What is keeping you from returning to the healthy lifestyle? Just do it! You won't be sorry.

And this is how it starts

You know, the weight gain. The back to what used to be "normal." The pounds piling back on as old bad habits return - like having ice cream, regularly. Eating cookies and candy, regularly. Counting points? What's that? I still have a few healthy choices on my plate, I'm ok, right?

Yep, this is how the "undo-ing" begins. Typically, this is when all goes out the window. The Weight Watcher's membership gets cancelled. The reasoning of "I'm still less than I was when I started WW so I'm still ok" comes into play. Then the excuses come in only this time, I'm getting tough with myself. Over the last year and a half I've learned answers to these and I now can kick that devil off my shoulder. Hell no, you aren't getting back in!!!

"I'm stressed, I need that chocolate bar." (Exercise is the best stress-buster there is - get out there and walk it off!)

"I've ONLY gained back 10lbs. . .I'm still in the 'range.'" (Yeah, what range? The range to keep on gaining?)

"I have too much going on. I don't have time." (You're right, gain all that weight back and you won't have time. ANY time - you'll be dead!)

STOP! FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND DROP THE DAMN CUPCAKE, ELIZABETH!!!!

The good news, I haven't cancelled my membership. I've recognized the issue (which is far better than weight loss attempts in the past). I have "only" gained 14lbs, which I KNOW I can take off in a matter of a few weeks IF and only IF I commit myself to doing this. I didn't give up. I haven't stopped. This is still the same journey. This isn't attempt #325409345093409509132845. . .no, this is still attempt #325409345093409509132844 - the same attempt and I'm simply in a valley.

So, yet again you hear me say, I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off and I'm moving forward. I am NOT a quitter and I will not stop.

This morning I woke up and took a 1 1/2 mile walk with my dog. It was great to clear my head and breath in the cool air. Time to increase the activity, make the right food choices and next week, GET BACK TO MY MEETINGS!

Week 66 - Weigh In

I'm on a roll! Weigh in was another loss again this week. 1.6 more pounds and it pushed me into new territory. Yes! My weight is now 319.4. It's the first time I've been under 320 in YEARS! I was so happy to get to move my weight tracker on the blog.

This week I plan to just keep doing what I'm doing. It's going to be a tough one as my mother has surgery this Friday. But, I can do this. I can make it through all this stress and not gain weight (ultimately keep losing). I CAN and I WILL!

I will be writing more in the very near future. But, at least I'm updating with my weigh-ins and holding myself accountable for what the scale says. . .fortunately, we are still moving in the right direction!

Update, yeah that is a catchy title

I has been crazy busy. The move, mom's cancer, preparing the kids to go back to school, but I'm hanging tough. My weigh in on Sunday was great, I lost 3.8 pounds.

I am getting ready to take on another hurdle, I'm going to quit smoking. I've quit a few times only to fall back into it months later, but this time is it. I'm quitting for good. September 1st will be my official quit date and it will be tough, but great.

There are so many reasons to do this now, the three most important are the ones I gave birth to in 2001, 2006 and 2008. I pray they never hear the words, "your mother has cancer."  Not that smoking caused my mother's breast cancer, but if I continue to use the cancer sticks, I'm sealing the deal that they will, at some point, hear those words.

I will be getting active again on the blog. Life is starting to get back to "normal" as far as daily routines.

Soon I will also have more than just updates and weigh ins. There is so much more to write about than just the progress, so more to come, friends. More to come.

Week 64 - Weigh In

I really haven't been MIA, although it's been two weeks since I posted. My family just went through a major change - we moved! It was a quick move, somewhat sudden, and was certainly bittersweet due to the circumstances behind it - but it is absolutely for the best and we are very thankful for the many blessings we have.

We moved all last weekend and by Sunday morning, while I had the best of intentions to go to my meeting, my body hurt like I had been run over by a truck. So, I missed my meeting. This morning however, I was up before 6:30, arrived at my meeting before 7:30 and was ready to jump on that scale!

Granted it's been two weeks since a weigh in but my loss was 5.6lbs! Yes! Woohoo! I made it through a stressful move and still lost weight! I've nearly caught back up to where I was when I fell off the wagon, HARD. Only about four more pounds to go until I start seeing new numbers on the scale. I'm so excited!

This week we are stocked up on fresh fruits and veggies. I'm getting ready to go prepare lunches for tomorrow. It's going to be a fantastic week!

How have all of you been?

Week 62 - Weigh In

It was a tough week but I stayed the course with my food choices and tracking. I lost 1.6lbs. No loss is too small when the goal is avoiding a gain.

This one is short and sweet today. But, finally, a loss! So, I'll repeat all I did last week, this week and look forward to seeing the scale again next week.

Thanks for sticking with me, friends. :)

Another one down

I did it. Another day on track with good choices. I can check this one off as a success and am planning on how to make tomorrow equally successful. With diligence and planning, I can do this, I can keep it under control.

Truth be told, I actually had 9 unused points plus values at the end of the night tonight. I don't feel hungry, so I'm going to go ahead and just let them sit there, untouched. This left over balance is not reflected of deprivation but of really good choices. For really successful days (and perhaps the not so successful days) I am going to list what I ate, as I'm hoping it will be something I can look back on for the days when I'm struggling more to bring myself back on track.

Today my foods were pretty great.
Breakfast (6ppv)
Thomas Bagel Thin (3ppv) and a Laughing Cow Garlic and Herb Wedge (1ppv) with a Boiled Egg (2ppv)

Lunch (3ppv)
2oz Boar's Head Hickory Smoked Chicken Breast (1ppv), Steam Fresh Baby Brussels Sprouts (0ppv), Watermelon (0ppv), Breakstones 2% Live and Active Cottage Cheese (2ppv)

Snacks During the Day (8ppv)
Orange (0ppv)
Low Fat, Light Yogurt - Wild Berry (3ppv)
Weight Watchers Natural String Cheese (1ppv)
Vitamuffin Deep Chocolate (2ppv)
Boiled Egg (2ppv) (I don't normally eat this many eggs, 1 for breakfast 1 for snack but I had quite a few to use)

Dinner (20ppv)
Spaghetti and Meat Sauce (11ppv), Cheddar Biscuit (5ppv), Green Beans (0ppv), Very small piece of cake with pineapple and cool whip (4ppv)

Evening snack
Sweet and Salty Bar (5ppv)

Also, I'm trying very hard to not make this blog about my mom's cancer. I can't promise there won't be posts about it as it is a major part of my life and greatly affecting every aspect. However, the purpose of this blog is my weight loss journey and I don't want to stray too far from that topic. Granted, everything that is going on does influence how much of a struggle this journey is, so from time to time I may have to just let some of those feelings out here. However, I also understand how sensitive a topic that may be for many of my readers and I recognize that while I'm seeking hope in helping my mother fight cancer - the perception may not always be of hope and I certainly don't want to cause anyone heartache.

However, if you are interested in following that journey, I invite you to visit the blog I have created specifically about breast cancer. I didn't feel it to be fair to share all that information on Fat Girl Fights Back - as I know your interest and the purpose of this blog is weight loss.

So, if you would like to follow that aspect, which is equally, if not more, personal than this blog, please feel free to do so.

Link: Boobs in a Vise  (Please know it will be extremely rare, if ever, that I update this blog with a blog post from there)

A small revelation and a little flexibility

On nights like tonight, I appreciate flexibility. When I got home from work I just felt drained. After receiving the call earlier today from my mom saying her biopsy results showed cancer in her right breast (making her diagnosis bilateral breast cancer) I've been fighting back tears. Once I walked in the door, I let them all out.  Needless to say, it's been an emotional day and the last thing I really wanted to do was cook dinner. We also had to run an errand, so I decided we would all just pile in the minivan and stop for something somewhere.

I knew I did not want fast food. Fortunately, the children and my husband all wanted to go to a restaurant and have someone tend to us. So, off we went, on the drive that seemed endless. First, we tried the rule out trick. My kids did not want Mexican, nor did I really. My husband did not want seafood. I really didn't want the big box Italian type restaurants (Olive Garden). My husband suggested Ruby Tuesday's but that didn't seem appealing to me. We have stopped going to TGIFridays, since the only seasoning they seem to know how to use is salt. We considered Macaroni Grill, but that didn't sound all that great to me. Pei Wei was on the list but then I decided I really didn't want that. It seemed every restaurant we mentioned, I ruled out.

Let me cut to the chase. We live in Orlando where we have just about every restaurant imaginable. None really sounded great. I realized in the car as to why. I was seeking comfort in food but in a round about manner. No matter what was mentioned, none of them were going to fill the void I'm feeling right now. My heart hurts. Food will not make it feel better.

My daughter finally said she really wanted to go to Mimi's Cafe. So, that's where we ended up. I really wasn't wanting broiled fish or broiled chicken tonight  and I remember my Weight Watcher's leader telling us, "Eat what you love. Don't eat things you don't like." Well, tonight, I didn't LIKE broiled salmon. So, I selected a pasta dish from the petite menu. I can honestly say this was the first time I have EVER ordered from the "small plate" menu but I'm so, so glad I did.

The portion was plenty. The point values were plenty. However, I had eaten light all day long. I had plenty of points to spend and I did. I was outside of my comfort zone as all our indecisiveness made it impossible to truly plan my meal before I left the house (which I normally do when we are going out to dinner). But it all turned out just fine. I only used 4 of my weekly points plus allowance, which is great. I even had a very small amount of dessert (about three bites) and walked out feeling comfortable. Not stuffed. Not uncomfortable. I didn't binge. I ate NORMAL.

I recognized my emotional eating urges and while I still ate a meal I wouldn't normally eat - it was all within the plan and I didn't overeat. I say that's a victory, tonight.

Week 61 - Weigh In

I started today off right. I met a couple friends at the gym and we worked out for 30 minutes prior to our Weight Watchers meeting. It felt good to be back there, it's been a few weeks. I did notice I was more sluggish today. I think the combination of crap foods in, lack of sleep and the 7.2lb weight gain may have all played a part. But, it feels good to sweat and feel that soreness again.

It was also really great to be back at my meeting. This week is going to be a good week for the scale. I'm going to hit the gym and track my foods. As soon as I log off the blog I'm going to plan everything and then spend some time in the kitchen preparing food for the week.

The 7.2lb weight gain was actually less than I thought it would be, so that was a good surprise. I don't want to "officially" start over because I want to continue to build on the 44lbs already lost but because so much of weight loss is a mind game - I'm going to play one purposefully.

For this "restart" I'm going to consider today's weight as my starting weight. It's not a backslide. I'm not "up 7.2" - no, I'm starting this week at 332lbs. I really think that will help my motivation to get back to where I was seven weeks ago.  Everything is behind me and there is no reason to dwell on it.

It's time to just fight back

The weekend is now here. The damage that I've done is behind me. I have to just tell myself that whatever I did the last few days is just that - the last few days. It doesn't have to be today. It doesn't have to be tomorrow. I am in control and I can call the shots on what choices I make at this moment, in a few hours, tomorrow, and so on.

I realize that now would be the absolute worst time to throw in the towel and give up. Now is the time when I need my meetings, I need my support, I NEED to weigh in, - more than ever before. I need the structure of my program. I need to track my meals. I need to plan what I will put in my mouth so it's just routine - while nothing else around me is so routine.

Thank you for your prayers, well wishes, words of encouragement, stories of success, kicks in the behind. . .I need all of that!  I'm amazed at how many people reach out to complete strangers on the internet. I'm amazed at how many people haven't given up on me when I've gone through a few weeks of appearing to have given up on myself. Thank you so much.

So, with that said, now is the time that the title of my blog is truer than ever. It's time to FIGHT BACK!  I must use every ounce I have to fight my own addiction while helping my mother fight breast cancer. We both WILL succeed.

Last night, I took the reigns and I decided I will walk (perhaps run part of) the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in October. I've created a team, Blisters for Becky (if anyone in the Orlando area would like to join my team, please do!). The timing is perfect, as yesterday we were 100 days out from the race. 100 days.  I've started fundraising (and have already received some donations). It's not the time to take all of this laying down - no - it's time to FIGHT!

So in the morning, I will be at the gym. I am going to start training and push myself to at least run part of this 5k. I'm going to run for my mom. I'm going to run for me. At 8am I will be at my meeting. I need my friends so much right now and I need to keep myself in a state of food wellness. So, this is it. This is the plan. 99 days to go, folks. 99 days to go.

Out of Control

I'm not even sure how to begin this post. I've typed out several sentences and nearly worn my backspace key out. It's hanging off my keyboard, all the type rubbed off. . .ok, so it's not really but it could be. The fact it isn't - is a testament to HP. . .

I'm going through an emotional situation. Wow, that sounds so cold and is like the understatement of the year. My heart hurts, badly. I think that sounds slightly more fitting. I feel lost. I feel sad. I'm angry. But, I'm hopeful.

Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's difficult for me to write about because I do not want any words of my feelings or anything that I share to hurt her heart anymore than it's already hurting from receiving such a diagnosis. This isn't gloom and doom. We know she will fight and we know she will be well again - we HAVE to believe that. But, that doesn't change the fact that her life is about to flip complete upside down with surgeries, possible radiation, possible chemotherapy . . . it's going to be rough! (to say the very least)

As a food addict, my first response, of course, has been to comfort myself with food. Even after being in a healthy lifestyle for over a year, my first reaction was to run and get a dozen doughnuts. I didn't eat them alone, but I had my fair share.  After her biopsy today, it was fried food and chocolate cake. I know I've now spiraled out of control because I'm now facing a situation that is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.

I have to control what I can, which means, I have to, I absolutely have to, get back on track. I cannot allow this addiction to take full hold of me again, in the time that I am most vulnerable. I will not be of any help to my mother if I gain back 50lbs (and more).

If I could have made it to a meeting today, I would have gone. Fortunately, I do have my Weight Watcher's meeting friends in a group on Facebook and I've posted about my binging. They will hold me accountable for attending my meeting and I will be there.

I need to be on plan more now than ever. I know this. So, with every ounce of energy I have, I will control what I can in this situation - my lifestyle, my disease, my addiction and in turn, I will be there for my mom.

When the world starts caving in around you - hold on to the things that can be the same. THIS can be the same.

By the way, the consumption of doughnuts and chocolate cake did not make my mother's cancer go away nor did it make me feel any better. If anything, it made my stomach hurt (crap food tends to do that now that my body is used to good foods) and I had a nice helping of guilt to boot. No more of that crap. Moving on.

Sometimes these posts are self-talk. Sometimes it helps if I put it out there in words as if I type it - it sticks?

I have not given up

I've been quiet. Too quiet. When I get quiet on the blog it's reflective of what is going on with my journey. I've fallen, but I CAN get up.

So, what's been going on to cause the silence? A little bit of everything I suppose. I think I've grown bored of my food choices for one. I know that's when we all say mix it up. Change it up. I know, I know. But when you get in a funk it's difficult to dig deep inside to find the motivation to do anything other than the norm, even if the norm is driving you crazy and making you reach for things you know you really shouldn't reach for.

We have also been really pinching pennies. It's EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to eat healthy and change things up when there is a lot of financial stretching taking place. The really great news is my husband is back to work! Yes, after two years, ten months, two weeks and two days, he is back in the workforce and we will soon enjoy living off two incomes again.

Naturally this has resulted in a drastic change in our daily lives. Our youngest children are back in daycare. School is out for summer break so we had to scramble to find care for our middle son. But, all feels right in the world again and I don't dread our morning routines as I did nearly three years ago when it was so challenging to get everyone out the door on time. I would like to say I'll never take for granted the madness which we call mornings - but I'm sure in time it will become the chore it once was. LOL

The other good news is, I stepped on my home scale and I'm pretty much the same weight I was four weeks ago. Even if I'm up a couple pounds, I'm ok with that. The last four weeks I have not tracked, I haven't exercised, I haven't followed plan much, if any. I know you all have been here with me, hearing this same song and dance over and over again. I'm growing impatient with myself so I can only imagine what it feels like to be one of my readers right now.

I've made a promise to myself that I'm going to get it together again. I'm thankful that while I haven't had it together, I haven't done too much damage, yet. But I'm right at the edge of completely falling off and I refuse to let that happen.

So, Sunday I'll be in my meeting. I'm setting a mini-goal of not missing any meetings for six weeks. Six weeks I will be in a seat at a meeting, period. 

I want this more than anything and I need it more than anything. Thank you, all of you, for your patience as I seem to flounder. It's been a few months of this same old, same old and I know it's not a very interesting follow. But I'm quite sure it will be the times like this that I look back on when I hit my final goal and say, "look at that, I stumbled a lot along the way, but I finally made it! I didn't give up!"

Watch for my weigh in post on Sunday. No matter what the scale says, walking back through the doors at the meeting center will be a victory this week (and the next six weeks that follow).

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Who has a story of motivation they would like to share? Have you made it to your ultimate goal? Did you have some months of sluggishness where you nearly fell off the wagon (or even did fall off and had to pick yourself back up)?  Please tell me about it. I'd love to hear your stories of success.